


The Broken Hearted

by onlyvirtuemoir



Category: Scott Moir/Tessa Virtue - Fandom, tessa virtue/scott moir - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Idiots in Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:34:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23680903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyvirtuemoir/pseuds/onlyvirtuemoir
Summary: Sadness, confusion, broken hearts. How do they each cope?
Relationships: Scott Moir & Tessa Virtue, Scott Moir/Tessa Virtue
Comments: 35
Kudos: 53





	1. Broken Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> It was an idea I had to get down on paper. Then I decided to share the angst with you. Fear not, our dynamic duo will find their way. But how? Read on.

Tessa squared her shoulders. After yet another night of secretly crying in the bathroom, she felt depleted. She couldn’t cope with this anymore. She loved him so much and it would hurt to even try to do what she had in mind. She knew it would be like tearing her heart out of her chest. She hoped that the scrutiny would stop, the intrusion would stop, her worry that the next thing that came out of his mouth would once again be pounced upon as confirmation they were lying. He was an open book, she loved that about him.

But she couldn’t handle the life they’d relegated themselves to. There was laying low and then there was their life. Beautiful at home, filled with love and laughter but with so much pressure and scrutiny that going out somewhere filled her with crippling fear that their secret would be discovered. Scott too added to her sense of pressure. He strongly hinted that he wanted them to make things official, in all ways. Publicly and privately. He wanted marriage. She didn’t feel ready, it all felt like too many changes at once. She had barely processed the changes in their lives and Scott was already planning their joint life together. She loved him, she wanted that life, but there was still so much to deal with, so much to consider and a post-Olympic crash that had taken her somewhat by surprise.

Their Olympic medals had been a triumphant culmination of their joint pursuit and yes, they’d been together for nearly two years. It was the best relationship she could ever imagine, but they were in hiding. The whole world wanted them together and she just wanted to live in peace, to be able to say her true feelings, to be able to do normal couple things without knowing looks and tongues wagging.

She knew, she got it. What everyone had been saying since they were young. They had worked it out late but she just wanted a chance to live it. To live her life without anyone’s expectations on her. Even Scott’s. He never pressured her but she knew he had hope they’d just go public and be done with it. But she didn’t know how or when she could do it. She couldn’t do this any longer. She was exhausted.

"Scott, it’s too hard. It’s not a life we’re living right now. We’re hurting ourselves trying to hide away,” said Tessa.

“We chose this, Tess. It was our decision,” said Scott.

“Yes. But we didn’t choose all this obsession with us, with what we do, who we see, where we go. It’s like living in a goldfish bowl and I can’t take it any more,” said Tessa, frustrated.

“What do you want to do?” asked Scott.

Tessa hesitated, looking at the floor. “We have to break up.”

Scott stared at her. She wasn’t serious, she couldn’t be serious.

“What?” he asked, his throat dry.

“I don’t want to talk about it. You’re just...not right for me, we weren’t meant to be,” said Tessa, tears streaming down her face.

“Why are you doing this? I love you!” said Scott, his voice breaking.

Tessa didn’t reply, too affected by her own emotions and struggling as she watched Scott crying also.

“We’ll both learn...to move on,” said Tessa softly, knowing she was lying to herself and to Scott.

“T, no. It won’t happen. I’m not letting you go so easily,” said Scott, tears running down his cheeks but now angry.

Tessa's shoulders were shaking as she cried into her hands, hiding her face from Scott. She’d known it would hurt but it looked like it would have to hurt her more and she’d have to lie. She’d have to lie even more to get him to let her go.

“Damn it, Tessa. You love me, I know you do, just like I love you,” said Scott. “I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.”

“I feel very sad for you then,” retorted Tessa.

“Why, because you don’t love me? It disappeared just like that?” asked Scott sarcastically.

“I don’t love you,” said Tessa, unable to look at him, the lie breaking her heart.

“After everything we’ve shared, I will never believe that,” said Scott, though the words had been like a knife through his heart.

“It’s true…it’s…gone,” said Tessa tearfully, still unable to look at him as she lied.

“Look me in the eyes and say that,” said Scott, lifting her chin so she looked at him.

Her eyes brimming with tears, she shook her head.

“You can’t say it and look me in the eyes can you?” asked Scott.

Tessa didn’t speak, tears falling down her cheeks, finally just shaking her head.

“No, because you’re lying to me and you’re lying to yourself,” said Scott.

Scott turned up at his parents house, not even sure how he’d managed to drive there. Grabbing some clothes and leaving Tessa’s wasn’t something he ever imagined he’d have to do. It had become their house, a home, an extension of the bubble they created on the ice. And now it was broken.

Alma opened the door, immediately concerned upon seeing her son’s face. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he only shook his head as she asked if he was okay.

“What happened?” asked Alma.

“Tessa. She broke up with me,” he said, breaking down.

Alma looked shocked, ushering him inside quickly.

_I_ _love you Tess_ , said the message on her phone later that night.

Tessa wanted to immediately reply back but she held herself, the tears constant since their break-up earlier that evening. She had instigated it, but the pain was intense, at a level she’d never felt before.

Jordan glanced at her sister, who seemed to have finally run out of tears as she lay on the couch. Now the tears had run dry, Tessa appeared numb.

“Are you okay?” asked Jordan, gently tousling Tessa’s hair.

“I’ll be okay one day right, it’s not always going to feel like this?” whispered Tessa hoarsely.

“I wish I knew the answer,” said Jordan.

“I did this, I ended it, it’s not supposed to hurt this much,” said Tessa softly.

“You love him, you can’t pretend that you don’t. That’s why it hurts,” said Jordan, stroking her hair.

“I love him, but it all got too hard, too much,” said Tessa, another tear trickling down her cheek.

“He loves you, the man is crazy about you, Tess. You know I support you but I don’t agree. You're miserable without each other, you should be together,” said Jordan, for what felt like the 1000th time, yet she knew that again, Tessa would not listen to her.

“But he left. Why hasn’t he fought me harder on this then, if he loves me,” said Tessa with a sigh.

“You broke up with him and wonder why he didn’t stay in the same house?” asked Jordan incredulously. Her eyebrows rose to their fullest extent.

“It sounds stupid when you say it like that,” mumbled Tessa.

“Because he would never pressure you. He thinks this is the way you want things. He’s not the type of man who would force you to be with him. This is Scott for goodness sake! He’d do anything to make you happy, including letting you go,” said Jordan.

She couldn't imagine what Scott was going through at that moment. She'd rushed to Tessa the moment her sister had rang her in tears and she just hoped Scott had had the sense to go to his parents.

Tessa looked around the rink again, Scott still hadn’t showed up. Her face was free of make up, she looked puffy from all the crying, her eyes red. But she still had a job to do so here she was. They were supposed to run through choreography for the Thank You Canada tour. Everyone seemed to not expect Scott but she couldn’t understand why. Was he sick? Did he need her? The thought gnawed at her and she struggled through, before rushing to his apartment as soon as she finished.

He had an apartment in London he’d barely stayed in. They’d lived together at her house. There was no answer at the door and she used her key to get in. The apartment was dark, all the curtains drawn and she went to his bedroom. The door was closed and she opened it.

Scott was in bed, absently staring at the ceiling. He'd cried his heart out to his concerned parents and then spent the night before driving back to London and intending to hole up in his apartment and see no one. He looked at her and shook his head, turning to face away from her.

“Scott, what’s wrong? Are you sick?” she asked, going closer.

“Physically no,” he whispered hoarsely. “I can’t believe you need to ask what’s wrong, you should know that well.”

“You couldn’t come to work because of me?” asked Tessa sadly.

“I can’t face life without you,” said Scott hoarsely. He’d been crying and it was evident in his voice. It broke Tessa’s heart but she tried to stay strong, tried to remember the pain that had led her to end the relationship in the first place.

Her love for him however, was always present and it broke her heart to see him so upset, to hear his defeated tone of voice and see the sadness in his eyes. Tessa knew nothing she said could change his feelings at that moment so she said nothing, sitting down on the bed beside him.

“Tess, why are you here? You don’t want me. I’m sure there’s plenty of men vying for your attention,” said Scott, still not looking at her.

“You know why I’m here,” said Tessa softly.

“You don’t love me, you said that you don’t,” said Scott, practically choking over the words.

Tessa started to cry, unable to speak for a few moments.

“Have you eaten?” she asked, changing the subject.

“I know you don’t mean it, that’s why you can’t say it and look at me,” continued Scott.

Tessa merely cried harder and she got up. “I’m going to make you something to eat,” she said quietly.

She tried to get her emotions under control as she busied herself preparing a meal for Scott. She made a large enough batch that he could have it for several days. Even if he didn’t eat it now, she at least knew he’d have food in the fridge.

She took a plate and water to him on a tray, he was still in the same position he’d been in before. He ignored her as she set down the tray on the bedside table.

“Please have something to eat,” she murmured.

“You don’t care, you don’t love me. This is my worst nightmare, but it’s real." He spoke softly, pain in every uttered syllable. 

“I do care, of course I care,” said Tessa.

“Tess, I can’t. I can’t do this. I need to be alone,” said Scott. His voice broke and he tried to stifle the tears that felt like they'd never stop.

“Thank you for the food,” he added.

Tessa wiped away tears, nodding. “Make sure you have something to eat,” she said.

Scott nodded.

“Will I see you at the rink tomorrow?” she asked.

“I can’t pretend Tessa. I’m not you. You’ll see me when I’m ready to pretend,” said Scott dully, sitting up.

Tessa bit her lip, her tears threatening to turn into sobs. She knew it was her fault, that he was hurting because of her and she wished so much she could return things to normal. What was their normal? Their normal _wasn't_ normal, their normal hurt them every day.

She briefly kissed his forehead, her movement so sudden it surprised him, and left the room. Scott could tell she was struggling to control her emotions and he wasn’t surprised she’d made such a quick exit.

Tessa made it to her car and then burst into uncontrollable sobs. When she finally managed to calm down, she rested her head on the steering wheel. She didn’t attempt to drive while she was so upset, giving herself time. She worried desperately about Scott. She knew he was an open book. When he was happy the whole world knew it. Now that he was heartbroken, he couldn’t put on an act.


	2. Struggle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa struggles with her decision. Scott struggles to cope.

In the morning, after a sleepless night of tossing and turning, no longer able to sleep without Scott, Tessa dragged herself to the door. She had been attempting to caffeinate to try to get her tired body to cooperate. Lack of sleep and endless tears meant she could barely remember what she needed to do each day. Had she eaten? Had she remembered to brush her hair? She wasn’t sure. It was all a haze. She knew immediately it was Scott, opening the door with some trepidation. Not seeing him at the rink or speaking to him was killing her.

“Hi,” she said, seeing Scott standing on the doorstep. His hair was a bit disheveled and he certainly hadn’t shaved. All he could ever manage to grow were some small whiskers but she loved it. It was a part of Scott and she loved every part of him. His eyes were hollow, rimmed by dark circles. He looked as if he hadn’t slept about as much as her.

“Hi,” echoed Scott. “Can I come in?”

Seeing his sadness had Tessa’s resolve constantly in conflict about what she’d decided. She nodded and moved aside so he could enter. Scott glanced at her sadly as she offered him a drink and shook his head, not feeling like anything. Tessa waited for him to speak, taking a seat and he copied her, sitting down also, careful to leave a certain amount of space between them.

“I want you to reconsider,” he said quietly.

“Scott we’ve already said anything there is to say,” said Tessa, shaking her head.

“Did you mean it when you said you didn’t love me?” asked Scott, heartbroken.

Tessa burst into tears, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry I lied. I love you more than anything."

“I’m glad you were lying. I love you,” said Scott miserably.

“It’s just better this way for both of us,” said Tessa.

“T, don’t do this,” said Scott, tearful. “We shouldn’t be apart, we’re meant for each other.”

“No, we’re not,” said Tessa, shaking her head sadly.

“We are, we were born to be together. I’m not letting you go,” said Scott stubbornly.

“But I want you to,” said Tessa. “You have to, because that’s what I want.” She was lying badly and she knew it. She just felt it would be easier for both of them this way.

Scott looked at her tearfully. “We’re going to regret this one day. We’re going to miss out on everything we’d dreamed of together.”

“It wouldn’t have worked out,” said Tessa. “It’s too much hiding away, everything behind closed doors. It’s bullshit.”

“There’s a very obvious solution to that,” muttered Scott.

Tessa nearly laughed. “Very obvious,” she said, shaking her head.

“I love you, you’re my whole life,” said Scott sadly, seeing she wouldn’t budge.

“We need to find new lives then. New lives that don’t involve each other,” said Tessa, biting back tears.

Scott got up, his love for her so great that he was going to do what she said. His face was contorted with anguish, trying to keep it together but failing.

“I’m going to go because you want me to and I’d do anything for you, but I love you, Tess. I love you so much. I’m never going to stop,” said Scott, wiping away tears.

Tessa couldn’t speak, seeing the pain he was in but nodded, and Scott let himself out. Tessa could only sob as the door closed behind him, sinking down onto the floor, miserable and wishing that they could be a normal couple. All she wanted was that normal, without pressure, without gossip, without the questions and intrusion. This was a relationship she cherished and to protect them both…or so she thought, she’d done this.

It was a week before Scott turned up to rehearsals. Tessa was relieved to see him. He barely spoke to anyone, there were dark circles under his eyes and he looked tired. His normal enthusiasm had been replaced by someone quiet and withdrawn. He was just going through the motions for the tour. Tessa’s misery was masked by her attempts to be cheerful, trying to look as though she was moving forward. Inside it was eating away at her, her love for Scott making her want to envelop him in a hug whenever she saw that glance her way filled with so much sadness.

He didn’t lose focus on the ice though, he tried hard to maintain their usual artistry and she couldn’t fault his effort. He was still that enormously talented and charismatic skater that could put all other ice dancers to shame.

“See you tomorrow,” she said as the session at the rink finished.

Scott said nothing, his gaze trained on a spot somewhere over her shoulder, unable to look at her. He left the ice without saying a word, shoulders hunched, looking deflated.

“Scott,” she said, following him off the ice. He merely smiled sadly and disappeared into the locker room.

Scott turned up at her house the following morning unannounced. Part of him needed to see her, the other part of him needed to know she was alone. The green-eyed monster of jealousy had hardly been an issue in their relationship, both at ease and knowing what they meant to each other. Now, though. She wasn't with him. She wasn't in his bed each night. He couldn't maintain a sense of not being jealous.

Tessa answered the door, knowing that it was Scott but unable to not allow him to see her. She didn't want to admit to herself how much she needed to see him too. Scott was visibly upset as she opened the door and her heart broke.

“How are you doing it?” he asked sadly. “Tell me how so I can do it too.”

“Doing what sweetie?” she asked quietly.

“Living, being happy. How? Was I that horrible to you that you’re so happy apart?” asked Scott, crying.

“This is never something I could be happy about,” said Tessa softly.

“But you are. I see you…at rehearsal. You’re…fine,” said Scott, his voice breaking from emotion.

“Come inside,” said Tessa, tearful as she saw him so upset and she took his arm and led him to the couch, taking a seat.

“I’m not happy, I’m not fine. It’s a mask. I’m pretending as much as I can,” said Tessa tearfully.

“I can’t pretend, it hurts too much,” said Scott tearfully.

“I know it’s hard, it’s a feeling that’s indescribable. Devastated is an understatement,” said Tessa sadly.

“If we hadn’t done this, you’d still be my friend, you’d still love me,” said Scott.

“If we hadn’t done what?” asked Tessa.

“Become a couple,” said Scott.

Tessa felt like a knife had been plunged through her heart and couldn’t find words for several moments. “Are you saying you regret us?” she asked, defeated.

“How can losing such a friendship be worth it, when it leads to this?” asked Scott.

“We shared amazing moments as a couple, ones I will never forget,” said Tessa tearfully.

“And where did we end up?” asked Scott, a hollow laugh all that he could muster.

“So you wish we were never together?” asked Tessa.

“I would never trade our moments for anything but you have to admit, we wouldn’t have lost our friendship if we’d kept it platonic,” said Scott.

Platonic? The lie they'd told the world? No. They weren't and hadn't been for a long time. “It was never platonic!” said Tessa, upset.

“It was, for many years,” said Scott.

“No. We were always meant to be,” said Tessa, her tears giving way to sobs.

“I never meant to hurt you,” said Scott, wrapping his arms around her sadly.

“Regretting us wouldn’t hurt me?” asked Tessa, in disbelief, though she didn’t move from his embrace.

“You’re my everything Tessa, and now that I’m faced with a future without you in it, how can I not wonder whether we ruined a lifelong friendship?” asked Scott.

“But we were secretly in love with each other. That would have continued on and on and tortured both of us,” said Tessa.

“I don’t doubt that,” said Scott.

Tessa pulled back to look at his face. “I’d be so sad if I’d never gotten the chance to be with you,” she said, lightly touching his cheek.

“And I got the chance to be with you and now I get to lose you to someone else,” said Scott, his voice breaking.

“No, that’s not true,” said Tessa tearfully.

“You don’t want to be with me, that means you want to be with someone else,” said Scott. “If I’d known the last time I kissed you would be the last time…if I’d known the last time I got to make love to you was going to be the last time…I would have held onto you and not let go,” he continued sadly.

“I miss you too,” said Tessa sadly. “But it’s best we realize it’s over and go from there.” She bit her lip trying to stop the tears but it didn’t work. She felt them spilling down her cheeks. She put her head in her hands, sobbing.

“The chapter of my life involving you could never be over,” said Scott, his voice choked with tears.

“Please…it’s so hard. Please, I need to be alone,” said Tessa from between her hands.

Scott nodded tearfully, quickly kissed her hair and let himself out without a word, not wanting to cause her further pain.

Scott pressed the end button on his phone, tears streaming down his cheeks. That was the fourth time he’d called Tessa and the fourth time she hadn’t answered. The pain intense, he cried over losing her, something he never thought would happen to them. His future had always involved her, now a dark future loomed without her in his life and he couldn’t handle it, he couldn’t see how he could be without Tessa. Scott tried once more, this time allowing it to go to message bank and leaving her a message.

“I guess you don’t want to talk to me. I understand. I just miss you so much, I love you, T,” said Scott, his voice breaking with emotion. “You were the light in my life, it’s all dark now.” He knew it was dramatic and she didn’t need his misery on top of her own but he just needed to talk to her. He’d never gone so long without hugging her. Hell, he wanted to talk to her most of all. Beyond how much being with her physically grounded him, how right she felt in his arms, most of all he just wanted to talk to her. To see her smile as she laughed at one of his jokes, to see her eyes light up when he brought her cheat day desserts. When he bought her flowers just because. Just because she liked them and she’d smile, a smile he loved to see on her face. A happy smile that he loved to be the cause of. And now she was gone. She’d still smiled like that, right to the end almost. He hadn’t realized there was something wrong.

Tessa was laying on her bed, sobbing into her pillow. She could see Scott’s attempts to call her but she resisted the urge to answer on the first ring only to hear his voice. She didn’t know such pain could exist. She glanced again at her phone as it signaled a message and picked it up, seeing it was a message to her voice mail. She listened to his message, upset to hear him crying, sobbing as she listened to the pain in his voice and his words of love. It affected her but she didn’t allow herself to get carried away, remembering the pressure and pain they’d put themselves under in an effort to protect themselves.

The next day she she’d run out of a few essentials since the break-up, namely tissues and she’d gone down to the local supermarket to quickly get some. She considered a tub of ice-cream too, skating diet be damned. As she turned the corner into the tissue aisle, she saw Scott. They both stopped in their tracks, surprised. Tessa regretted not bothering to fix herself up before coming, she wore track pants with a jacket and her hair was in a ponytail, her red rimmed eyes hidden by sunglasses which she had taken off while she wandered the aisles.

Scott was sporting untrimmed facial hair, he hadn’t shaved since their break-up. He’d hidden his red rimmed eyes behind sunglasses also, wearing loose jeans and a jumper. He’d lost weight and it showed in the way his jeans sat on him. He hesitantly made the first move. “Hi.”

“Hi,” said Tessa softly.

Scott removed his sunglasses, wanting to see her better and noted her red eyes immediately. “How are you?” he asked.

“Uh, okay,” lied Tessa, seeing that his eyes were red also. “You?”

“Okay,” managed Scott, also unable to answer truthfully. It seemed dramatic to say ‘miserable’ and ‘unable to live without you’ when she clearly wanted to move on and he needed to allow her to do that, despite how difficult it was.

“We sound very convincing, don’t we,” murmured Tessa, seeing through his lie immediately and knowing he saw right through hers too.

“It was worth a try,” said Scott softly, managing a rueful smile.

Tessa smiled back, her eyes lingering on his face, the sadness clear in his eyes and she bit her lip, hating that she was hurting him.

“You don’t want me to call you,” he said, looking at the floor rather than see the pain which crossed her face at his statement.

“No, it’s not that,” said Tessa softly and he looked up at her. “I got your message.”

“It’s hard you know, going from talking to you every day, being with you every day to...this,” said Scott quietly, choking back the emotion in his voice.

“I know it’s hard, it’s horrible,” said Tessa, biting her lip, tears having formed in her eyes.

“Look, I don’t want to upset you, T. I’m sorry, I’ll go,” said Scott, noting she had become tearful. “It was really good to see you.”

Before Tessa even had time to react, he moved away, further down the aisle. “Scott,” said Tessa, turning. He stopped, turning back to face her. “Call me later?” she asked.

“I don’t want your pity, Tess. I can deal with heartbreak, even the type that doesn’t mend, like this,” said Scott, looking sad but still mildly hopeful that she really did want him to call her.

“Call me, please? Or I’ll call you,” said Tessa softly. “It’s not pity. It’s love,” she added.

“We seem to have a different definition of what love is,” muttered Scott.

“Scott...please,” said Tessa softly.

“I’ll call you later,” promised Scott, taking her offer, knowing they’d have time to discuss their feelings another time, in a more appropriate place and not wanting to further upset her.

“Thank you, I’ll be looking forward to it,” said Tessa quietly.

“Me too,” said Scott. He smiled at her shyly then and she smiled back just as shyly, before he disappeared around the corner, heading towards the checkouts, true to his word about leaving.

“Hi,” said Tessa quietly, as she answered her phone.

“Hi,” said Scott, surprised that his call had even been answered, despite what she’d said earlier at the supermarket.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t answer yesterday,” murmured Tessa.

“That’s okay,” said Scott. “How are you?”

“Oh Scott, that’s not something I can answer in a conventional way,” said Tessa.

“I know the feeling,” said Scott. “I want to know how you feel though.”

Tessa sighed. “I feel pain, huge amounts of pain that I didn’t know it was possible to feel. It’s hard to imagine that ever going away.”

“That type of pain is what I feel too. It’s so hard to even imagine that I have to let you go but you made your feelings clear. I’m not the right guy for you. I get that,” said Scott, swallowing away the tears that threatened to fall, despite his struggle not to. What he needed to do now was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever do and he felt unprepared. He hadn't known he needed to prepare for this. He'd thought that she'd always be there, that she'd want him just as he wanted her.

Tessa couldn’t answer, surprised and struggling with her own emotions.

“I’m making things worse for you by hanging on the way I am. I’m not going to do that anymore. I’ll stop calling you and I’ll stop trying to convince you to love me. I don’t want to be that type of guy,” continued Scott.

“What do you mean?” whispered Tessa.

“You asked me to let you go, I’m going to do that. I’m going to do my best to do that,” he amended. “I want to thank you for everything we shared, thank you for letting me be a part of your life, letting me love you." He bit his lip, taking a few moments to be able to speak again. Tessa hadn't spoken, he wondered if she was happy he was doing this, or surprised.

“I’m always going to love you and I just want you to be happy. Be as happy as you deserve to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the one for you,” said Scott, a few tears escaping down his cheeks.

Tessa was crying on the other end of the line, unable to reply through her tears.

“I should go, I needed to tell you that,” said Scott, not hearing a reply other than her crying and thinking he should let her be.

“Scott,” she choked out. “Don’t...please, don’t go.”

“Don’t go...now, or what I said about letting you go?” asked Scott quietly.

“Both!” sobbed Tessa. “I need to see you.”

“I can’t do that, Tess. I can’t say goodbye to you face to face,” said Scott, shaking his head, though there was no one there to see him.

“I don’t want to lose you from my life completely. I can’t, I love you,” cried Tessa.

“What do you want?” asked Scott softly.

“I want you! I want there to be a balance between our privacy and being with you. I want you to understand why I’m not ready yet,” said Tessa tearfully.

“I love you. I do understand. I would wait forever for you. I’m sorry if you think I wouldn’t,” said Scott, sounding incredulous that she believed he’d do anything but wait for her to be ready to make their relationship official.

“I want to believe you Scott, I do,” said Tessa.

“And you’d give up on us just because of that? It’s easier with some other guy is it? If he’s not me?” asked Scott scathingly.

“You know that’s not what I mean,” said Tessa. Frustrated tears fell down her cheeks.

Scott sighed. He hated that she was hurting and he knew she didn’t mean it that way, though that’s the way it felt. “We need to take a step back here, I’m sorry,” said Scott quietly.

Tessa appreciated his admission and tried to control her tears. “I’m sorry too,” said Tessa.

“What you said at the beginning,” began Tessa. “About letting me go...I don’t want you to. Wherever life takes us, I still want to be in your life.”

“I can’t just be your friend, Tess. I can’t watch you fall in love with someone else, which I’d need to do as your friend,” said Scott quietly.

“I don’t want that, I’ll always love you,” said Tessa.

“But you don’t want to be with me, so that means that one day you’ll marry someone else. You’ll have a family...with someone else,” murmured Scott. He felt the bile rise in his throat. He couldn’t picture it, he couldn’t cope with the thought of her not being his.

“I do want to be with you, I only want those things with you. But it’s so fucking hard,” said Tessa. “How can we ever have a normal life?”

“So where does that leave us?” asked Scott with a frustrated sigh.

“Back at square one,” said Tessa.

“Me loving you like crazy, you wanting to break up but still wanting me in your life, do I have it right?” asked Scott.

“I guess,” said Tessa quietly.

“Look, I said what I needed to say. You asked me to let you go, I’m doing that,” said Scott.

“Scott, don’t, please,” said Tessa softly.

“When you broke up with me, you asked me to let you go. I thanked you for making me the happiest man in the world while I had you and I’ll always be grateful for what we shared. It’s your choice and I have to accept that. I need to go, I said what I needed to say,” said Scott. “Goodbye beautiful.”

He tried not to cry, biting his hand to stop himself from bursting into tears. He hung up quickly, tears running down his cheeks freely now that he didn’t need to hold it together while Tessa was still on the phone.

Tessa stared at the phone in her hand. He’d hung up, the words she’d heard so heartbreaking and sounding so final. She could only sob, for the first time realizing just how much she’d hurt him and how wrong she had been to ask him to let her go when she didn’t want to be let go in the first place.

Tessa desperately called him that night, sobbing when he didn't answer her call. She was terrified that he'd move on, his words having sounded so final when he'd said goodbye to her. She called again, her sobs increasing as it went unanswered, putting down the phone and laying down on the couch to cry. When the tears ran dry, she tried again, surprised when he suddenly answered just as it seemed the third call would also ring out.

"Tessa," came his soft voice.

"I was sure you wouldn't answer," she said.

"Don't do this Tess," said Scott quietly. His voice was rough, he'd been crying and it was evident in his voice.

"I'm not ready to lose you," said Tessa tearfully.

"You think I'm ready to lose you? I thought we'd always be together, losing you is the hardest thing I'm ever going to face," said Scott, starting to cry.

"Just promise me you won't move on yet. Please," said Tessa, feeling sick at the thought of anyone else with Scott. She wanted to scream that he was hers and no one else could have him. And she knew how illogical that was. She’d broken up with him, she couldn’t claim him. Yet all she wanted was him.

"You think I would do that? I love you," said Scott. "When you move on," he added, swallowing hard. "That's when I'll....move on."

"I need to see you," cried Tessa.

"I'm here, I just got here," said Scott, finally letting her know he’d been in the car, driving, when she called.

"What?" asked Tessa, surprised. She went over to the window, seeing his car pull up in her driveway.

The relief she felt made her want to run outside to greet him. She wanted to kiss him and hug him and held herself back, knowing she no longer had the right to do that.

"I felt bad about earlier so I'm here to see you," said Scott dully. He couldn’t bear leaving her hurt so despite how much it hurt him, he’d swallowed his pride. She'd asked to see him and he did it for her. Even if it was hard to see her with the knowledge that they no longer belonged to each other.

"I’m so happy you're here," said Tessa, sounding relieved.

She was waiting by the door when he reached it and she threw her arms around him, sobbing into his shirt.

"I don't know what you want from me. I said goodbye, I did what you wanted,” he muttered.

 _But I don’t want that_ , thought Tessa. It was all so hard and she’d spent many nights crying and wondering how to live. How to truly live and be happy when they were hiding something that was such a large part of them. He wasn’t just an extension of her, he was a part of her.


	3. Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa doesn't want to be let go. What does that mean and how does Scott react?

The comfort of his embrace hadn’t changed in any way, if anything, she needed it more. She craved his affection, she felt like she needed it like she needed oxygen. He held her, just as she wanted, but he wasn’t relaxed. Every time she caught sight of his face as she shifted to get even closer to him, he looked sad and bewildered. He didn’t understand and she didn’t either. She knew what she’d done, she knew she’d asked him to let her go but when he tried to really do that, she didn’t want to be let go.

And now she’d insisted he stay and hadn’t moved from his embrace. She was an idiot, she knew that. _An idiot in love_ , she thought to herself, almost shaking her head. She snuggled closer still, her hand stroking against his chest and noticing again the way his jeans seemed baggier on him. She slipped her finger into the waistband, pulling at it. Scott looked even more bewildered, but he didn’t stop her.

“You’re losing weight,” she murmured. “You shouldn’t be losing weight.”

“I haven’t really been hungry,” he muttered.

“You’re not eating properly,” she said. It wasn’t a question. She knew he wasn’t eating properly. She wasn’t either. There was nothing appetizing about eating a meal alone. Food had somehow lost its flavour when it wasn’t Scott cooking for her, when it wasn’t Scott she sat down with for meals, when it wasn’t Scott she made poached eggs for.

He shrugged. “Nothing’s really appetizing.”

“It all kind of tastes like nothing,” said Tessa quietly.

“How would you know? You’re doing fine,” said Scott, a note of bitterness in his voice. She was doing fine. He was heartbroken and barely able to function. That’s the way it looked to him.

“I told you it’s a mask, I’m not doing ‘fine’. Half the time I don’t even remember if I brushed my hair,” she murmured.

Scott considered this for a moment, mildly appeased that she struggled in the same way. He looked at her ponytail, slightly mussed as she’d been laying her head against his chest. He stroked it. “Today you did,” he said.

She smiled, touched by the gentle gesture of love, despite everything she’d put him through.

“Is this your new look?” she asked him quietly, stroking the soft facial hair on his chin.

Scott shrugged again. “I look like shit, I know.”

“You always look gorgeous,” said Tessa, shaking her head.

Scott let out a sigh. “Tess…” he said. “What am I doing here?”

“You’re keeping me company?” mumbled Tessa.

She immediately regretted her choice of words as she saw the look of hurt cross his face.

“Keeping you company,” he repeated sadly.

“I love you. I need you here,” she said.

“For what? You don’t want me, remember?” said Scott. He looked dejected, his hazel eyes filled with pain.

Tessa rubbed his arm, shaking her head. “I do want you,” said Tessa.

Scott sighed sadly. “I’m so confused.”

“I’m sorry,” said Tessa quietly.

“I tried to do what you wanted,” he said, his voice breaking.

The tears were quick to come and he cursed under his breath. He thought each day it might get easier, that he’d cry less, that it would hurt less, but it hadn’t abated in the slightest. It was a constant outpouring of pain. He shook his head, wiping away tears. “I’m sorry I keep crying, I’m meant to be all macho and strong and I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Tessa stared at him, kissing his cheek, tasting salt on her lips. “Never apologize, ever. That’s one of the things I love about you. That wonderful, kind heart and how much love you have to give. I love you so much. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, I never wanted to,” said Tessa.

Scott sighed, fingering the hem of her over sized jumper. It was his, she was surprised he hadn’t said anything yet actually. She often borrowed his shirts, some she never gave back. Like the jumper she was wearing. “At least I know where this is now,” he muttered.

“I have a few…do you want them?” she asked, looking sad. She loved wearing his shirts, they were soft and comfy, just the right size for her to feel cocooned by the soft material and imagine his arms around her.

“Most of my stuff is still here, T,” he reminded her. “I don’t have the heart to come here and take everything. That would make it all too real.”

“I don’t want you to take your stuff,” she said immediately.

“What the hell, Tess?” he asked, frustrated. “That’s what broken up means. I take my stuff, you take yours and we pretend we didn’t feel like this about each other.” He stopped, the tears threatening to fall again. He sniffed, blinking them back.

Tessa said nothing, looking sad, biting her lip as she blinked back her own tears. “I don’t want us to be broken up,” she then said quietly.

“You don’t know what you want,” he muttered.

Tessa bit her lip. “I deserve that. I’m sorry,” she said.

“I don’t mean to hurt you,” said Scott. “I’m just trying to work out what role I’m playing here. Am I supposed to go back to being just your friend? What am I?”

“That’s a fair question,” said Tessa, nodding. “I mean I’m literally all over you here,” she said, indicating to her position in his arms. “And you’ve been wonderful and comforted me regardless of how much I’ve hurt you.”

“I’m so confused, Tess. Are we broken up?” he asked.

Tessa shook her head. “No.”

“No?” asked Scott, eyebrows raised.

Tessa shook her head again, tearful. “No.”

Scott stared at her, not knowing what to think. Or what to do. He knew what he wanted to do, he wanted to hug her and kiss her with relief, but he knew Tessa and he knew it wouldn’t be that simple.

“Is this some kind of game to you?” he asked, frowning at her.

“No, why would you say that?” asked Tessa, surprised.

“Why would you give me hope and then take it away? That’s cruel, Tess. And you’re not that type of person,” said Scott.

“I’m not trying to take it away,” said Tessa, shaking her head.

“And what happens when it’s too hard again, T? Will you dump me and run? I can’t go through this twice. I can’t,” he said, his lip trembling.

She had to see how this would affect him. He loved her, of course he’d jump at the chance to be with her but what if she ran again? He couldn’t go through this kind of heartbreak again. Once was enough.

Tessa took his hand, her fingers stroking against his skin. “I deserve for you to doubt me. I get it. I’m not trying to hurt you. I just…I can’t do this. I can’t cope. I tried to tell myself I could do it, that it would get easier. It’s so fucking hard. It’s the worst pain imaginable…”

Scott cut her off. “Bullshit. It’s the worst pain imaginable for me. For you, I don’t know what the heck this is. I don’t want you to be with me for pity or for whatever fucked up reason you just said we’re not broken up when you already broke me.”

“Because I love you,” said Tessa, starting to cry. “Because I need you. Because I want you so much it hurts.”

Scott’s eyes filled with tears and he wiped them away, not knowing what to say. He said nothing and Tessa looked at him, tears running down her cheeks.

“Would you even take me back?” she asked, her voice trembling.

“How? We go back to normal and nothing changes so you stew on it again without telling me there’s a problem and then suddenly decide to end it?” he asked.

Tessa’s face fell and she hid her face in her hands for a moment, her shoulders shaking as she cried. It was the type of ugly crying she’d never want him to see but she let him pull her hands away from her face, his hazel eyes filled with so much emotion. There was love, confusion, concern, but there was also hope there, the gentle way in which he tried to stroke the tears from her cheeks making her lunge forward, kissing him hard.

Scott was surprised but couldn’t stop her even if he wanted to. He knew he shouldn’t be kissing her, but all he could think about was the softness of her lips moving with his, the sweet taste of her, the way she pulled him closer. Tessa knew there was more they needed to say before she crossed this line but it was in the back of her mind, foremost was the feel of his soft lips against hers, the sweetness of his kisses and the fact that she never wanted to let him go.

Many minutes passed, neither wanted to end the moment, whenever there was a need for air, no words were spoken, that brief moment between kisses not enough to break the spell. Their kisses were soft, slow, filled with the love they each had for each other.

It was Scott who came to his senses first, pulling away, looking at her with surprise. He’d missed her, he’d missed the feel of her in his arms and he only hoped she wouldn’t go away again. Her taste was still on his lips, the sweetness that was Tessa. It was everything he could do not to go in again and forget anything existed other than Tessa.

Tessa’s cheeks were flushed and she looked at him almost guiltily.

“I…I didn’t mean to, uh…force that on you,” she murmured.

“You really think I was an unwilling participant?” he asked quietly.

“No…but…” Tessa stopped, not knowing what to say.

“As long as you don’t regret it,” whispered Scott, terrified she’d break his heart by regretting a kiss he’d needed like he needed the air he breathed.

Tessa shook her head. “I’d never regret that.”

“I hope that’s true,” said Scott quietly.

“I love you, Scott,” said Tessa.

He sighed, shaking his head. “Yeah, you love me, for now,” he muttered.

“Scott,” said Tessa, her eyes sad. She took his hand, stroking his skin. He tensed but didn’t remove his hand from hers.

“So what now?” he asked.

“I don’t know, but we’re not broken up. I refuse,” said Tessa, her eyes determined.

“You’re the one who wanted it,” he said sadly.

“I made a mistake. A huge mistake. I’m sorry,” said Tessa.

“That doesn’t mean you won’t change your mind again,” he said.

He didn’t dare hope. He hadn’t truly taken in what she’d said. For him, it was just talk. It was perhaps her loneliness talking, or pity or some sort of sense of obligation she felt because he was falling apart. Whatever it was, he didn’t want it. He wanted her to want to be with him out of love, only out of love.

Tessa was looking confused, clearly having expected a different response. She didn’t know how to get through to him and she understood he’d put a bit of a wall up that she now needed to get through. She’d expected he’d be happy, but he wasn’t. He didn’t seem excited at all.

“You don’t want me anymore?” she asked, heartbroken.

“I want you so much it kills me not to be with you,” he said.

“But you’re not happy,” she murmured.

“Happy about what, Tess? That you want me for today? What about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year?” He said it all very fast, his eyes on hers, disbelief in his features.

“I’ve lost you, haven’t I?” asked Tessa, panic in her eyes.

“You haven’t lost me, Tess. Never,” he assured her.

“But?” she asked.

“But I can’t know that you actually mean this and I’ve already been through hell. I can’t go through this again next time you change your mind,” he said.

Tessa’s face crumpled and she burst into terrified sobs. “No, no, no,” she mumbled. “Don’t do this.”

“I’m not doing anything, Tessa. I’m just cautious,” said Scott, rubbing her back to comfort her.

“You’re not breaking up with me?” she asked.

“No,” he said.

Tessa leaned against him, clutching his shirt and he let himself hold her. He let himself stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, to murmur a soft ‘I love you’ into her ear and hope it comforted her. It did, she looked up at him, tearful, her voice quivering. “I love you too.”


	4. Roles Reversed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa is struggling. Scott needs time. A compromise of sorts plays out but it's not enough for Tessa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger guys!

Scott lay awake that night, it seemed that Tessa wanted their ‘break’ to end. But he couldn’t help but worry it wasn’t going to last. He wanted to give her some time. And himself a bit of time before he believed again that she loved him enough to stay. She didn’t need to ever marry him if she didn’t want to. He just wanted her to stay.

Tessa stirred in his arms and he looked down at her, feeling torn. He could hug her tightly right now and stay, he could stay and hope for the best. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t risk his heart like that. He’d been to hell and back already and although Tessa had insisted he stay the night and he couldn’t say no to her, he lay awake for quite some time just thinking. They hadn’t had sex, it was unspoken that tonight was just for sleep and had it been on the table, he likely would have taken it off the table. He didn’t want to get to experience that with her again only for it to be taken away. It was too hard. He wanted to be sure she’d stay, and he wanted Tessa to be sure. He knew she was upset and he wanted to protect her. Even from himself.

“Scott,” mumbled Tessa. He looked down at her, she was asleep but it made him smile that she’d said his name. He hoped it was a good dream she was having, one filled with happiness and love. She deserved that. She snuggled closer to him in her sleep, sighing and he kissed her forehead, trying to sleep. Neither of them had been sleeping well apart and Tessa had easily fallen asleep as he held her. It was Scott who had trouble, mulling everything over in his head.

She didn’t want them to be broken up, that made him happy. The niggling worry though was that this wasn’t going to last. That she’d leave his life again and he wouldn’t be able to cope. He fell asleep without realizing after much internal debate and woke in the morning, blinking against the light. Tessa’s curtains had been open when they’d gone to bed, both too tired and distracted to even think about it.

Tessa was still asleep and he didn’t think she could get any closer if she tried. She was curled up right against his body, one arm over his chest. He moved carefully to get up to close the curtain, hoping he and Tess could sleep some more. He’d needed the sleep and he knew it was because he was here with Tessa that he’d fallen asleep and stayed asleep.

“Scott!” The frightened way in which she said it made him turn around quickly. She didn’t appear to be awake. She was restless suddenly in her sleep, moving uneasily. He wasn’t used to Tessa having nightmares. He’d spent many nights with her and he couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so restless in her sleep. She’d been sleeping peacefully before he got up. He didn’t wake her, but got into bed again, putting his arms around her. He watched her, unsure if he should try to wake her.

“Scott.” That time it was whispered with something akin to relief. He looked again at her face, this time peaceful. He frowned, making a mental note to ask her what she’d dreamed about. She snuggled into the crook of his neck, falling silent and he closed his eyes again, the room now dark enough to sleep. He was surprised he managed to fall asleep again and woke up feeling Tessa’s gentle kiss against his cheek. Her hand was in his hair, stroking through it.

“Good morning,” he murmured.

“Good morning,” replied Tessa, her lips soft as she kissed the corner of his mouth.

“Did you have any nightmares, sweetie?” he asked, remembering.

Tessa looked thoughtful, trying to remember. She then nodded. “I couldn’t find you. I was searching for you.”

Scott nodded, worried about her. She didn’t tend to have nightmares and last night she’d been so uneasy until she’d said his name with relief.

“Why?” asked Tessa curiously.

“Because you said my name and you sounded scared and then you sounded sort of relieved,” said Scott, stroking her hair.

“I found you,” said Tessa. “You hugged me, kissed me and told me you love me, so it was all better.”

Scott sighed, touched that she’d been soothed in her sleep. “I love you,” he murmured.

“I love you,” breathed Tessa, her eyes shining as she looked at him. “Please stay,” she murmured a moment later.

Scott didn’t want to hurt her. Or lie to her.

“I think I have to go, to give you a chance to make sure this is what you want. But I’m here,” he placed his hand above her heart. “I’m here, so even if I’m not right here with you, I’m here and I love you.”

Tessa sighed but nodded. She knew he’d put a wall up and she couldn’t expect him to just come running. She swallowed her pain to say goodbye to him. He stayed for breakfast, gave her a hug and kiss goodbye and then he was gone. Gone with the promise of talking every day, with words of love that bathed her in hope. Words that made her feel comforted. Though his absence was evident almost instantly. Her hand automatically reached for his, even when he wasn’t near her. She knew that he was protecting himself, thinking she might change her mind. She understood, but that didn’t make his absence any easier to deal with. She’d reached her limit of being away from Scott. She’d reached it, surpassed it and failed at lying to herself. She needed him. She loved him and now he was the one keeping her away.

“Hey, how are you?” asked Scott, looking at Tessa as they FaceTimed at dinner.

She looked a bit sad but she smiled. “Hey, I’m okay. I miss you,” she said.

“I miss you,” said Scott, the warmth of his gaze somewhat reassuring for her. He still looked at her with love and for that she was so grateful.

“What’s for dinner?” he asked her.

“A sandwich,” murmured Tessa.

“Tess…” he said quietly. “That isn’t dinner.”

“I don’t really feel like anything,” she said.

“Don’t eat just a sandwich, T,” he said. “What have you eaten today?” he asked.

“The breakfast we had together and coffee,” said Tessa, thinking of the limited food she’d had that day.

She hadn’t been hungry. She’d laid around on the couch all day, not doing anything in particular. She’d started numerous texts to Scott, she’d then deleted them and respected his wishes for time and distance, counting down to their phone call to have dinner together. She’d done her hair and make-up to look nice for him but actually getting herself dinner, even takeout, wasn’t high on her priorities.

“Tess…” began Scott, shaking his head. He made a split-second decision. His Chinese takeout was due any minute and he was taking that to Tessa’s house so they could eat together. “I’m coming over with food,” he said.

“You are?” she asked, surprised.

“Don’t get insanely full on that sandwich,” he said dryly. “I’m bringing Chinese food.”

The look Tessa gave him was filled with love and gratitude. She was surprised, she hadn’t thought he’d want to see her, but he was coming. Because she was pathetic, but still, he was coming. “See you soon,” she said. “Scott,” she added as he was about to hang up.

“Yeah?” he asked, his eyes on hers.

“Thank you,” she said, her voice breaking.

He nodded. “I’ll be there in a few minutes,” he promised.

She smiled shyly and they hung up, Scott going to the door where his takeout had arrived and grabbing the bag. He’d done his hair and put on a nice shirt for dinner too, wanting to look nice for Tessa, so he grabbed his keys and the takeout bag, getting in the car for the short drive to Tessa’s.

“Scott!” she said, throwing her arms around him as she opened the door.

“Hey. Wow, I feel missed,” he teased as he pulled back to look at her.

“You are. A lot,” said Tessa, her expression filled with pain.

He smiled sadly. “You are too.”

“That smells good,” said Tessa, her empty stomach rumbling.

“Honestly Tess. You think you can skate with such little sustenance?” he asked.

“Are you mad at me?” asked Tessa quietly.

“I’m concerned, Tess,” he said, studying her face.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Scott. I’m not coping well,” said Tessa quietly.

Scott sighed, softly kissing her forehead. He went through to the kitchen, opening the takeout containers and getting some plates and cutlery out. She watched him, so at ease in her kitchen. It had been their kitchen. He’d lived there with her, he’d been more at ease in her kitchen than she was.

Tessa found once the food was in front of her, she was absolutely famished. The sandwich she’d made herself for dinner, she’d put away in the fridge, thinking she could still eat it for breakfast the following day.

It didn’t taste like nothing, like all food seemed to these days. It tasted good and Scott sat beside her at the table, engaging her in light conversation. She knew he was worried about her and that’s why he’d come but she also knew that he loved her. She ate slowly, not wanting their dinner to end and for Scott to leave. He kept conversation light and she found she could laugh, she could relax enough to laugh with him.

Scott waited until she’d eaten to broach the topic he’d been holding onto since she mentioned not coping to him. She looked uneasy as the takeout containers were cleared, almost looking like she dreaded what came next. Scott smiled at her and indicated for her to sit on the couch. She did, looking at him curiously. She was almost surprised he hadn’t rushed straight out the door. It didn’t appear he was leaving yet, and she wished she could make him stay.

Scott sat down next to her, sighing. “You said you’re not coping and you’re not eating,” he said.

Tessa shrugged. “It all tastes like nothing. Dinner was nice though, it was delicious. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. You don’t need to thank me. So what happened? You were coping enough to do what you did. Now what?” he asked, shaking his head.

“You still think I’ve been ‘fine’ this whole time? I haven’t. I know I brought this on myself, I know you’re not here because of me. That doesn’t make this hurt any less,” said Tessa sadly.

“I want you to have the time to really figure out what you want…who you want,” said Scott quietly.

“I told you how much I love you, I want you,” said Tessa, her voice breaking.

“And I love you. Please take care of yourself, you can’t just not eat,” said Scott.

“You did the same, you weren’t eating, you lost weight, your jeans are too big,” listed Tessa.

Scott sighed. “Yeah, because I didn’t cope. I’m coping slightly better now because it feels like it’s okay to have hope.”

“I’m glad. I know I screwed up. But it looks like we’ve switched roles now. I’m the one falling apart. I’m sorry but this is all I can do. I can’t just pretend I’m fine without you. I tried and it was the worst thing ever. The worst lie I could tell myself,” said Tessa, shaking her head sadly.

Scott shook his head. “But you wanted to be apart,” he reminded her.

“I’m sorry. I hope it makes you feel better then, knowing I’m falling apart without you,” she murmured, tearful.

“I’d never feel good about you being upset, Tess,” he said. “Ever. No matter what. I’m worried about you.”

He kissed her forehead softly. “We slept in a lot this morning. Have you been sleeping?” he asked.

“Not really,” said Tessa. “It was wonderful having you here last night. I actually slept. Otherwise I haven’t really slept properly at all. Are you sleeping?” she asked, studying him.

“Not really. A bit broken. I’m used to having you in my arms,” said Scott quietly.

“Are you sleeping alone?” asked Tessa, knowing she shouldn't ask but unable to stop herself.

Scott stared at her, shaking his head. “That’s a good one, Tessa. Really. What do you think?” he said, disappointment in his gaze.

Tessa looked at the floor. “I’m sorry. I’m insanely jealous because you’re not here with me. I know we’re going through the same thing missing each other.”

“I’d never ever do that to you, Tess. Ever,” he murmured.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just…I miss you,” said Tessa quietly.

“I miss you. I miss you like crazy, T. I have hope that maybe you won’t change your mind and that is keeping me going,” said Scott.

“So I should have hope that I didn’t lose you, that you’re here even though I don’t deserve you,” said Tessa.

“I am here, Tess. Literally and figuratively. I’m right here,” he said, taking her hand between both of his.

Tessa nodded, wiping away tears. “I love you. Thank you for being here.”

“I love you and I’ll always be here. As long as you want me, I’m right here,” said Scott softly. “I need to give you more time though. I can’t open myself up to everything again yet.” He looked at her apologetically.

“It’s okay, I get it,” said Tessa. “It’s hard but I understand.”

Scott kissed her forehead. “I have to go okay, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Tessa nodded, getting up and following him to the door. He wrapped her in a warm embrace and she closed her eyes, sighing. “I’ll miss you,” she murmured.

“I’ll miss you,” said Scott.

He kissed her cheek and Tessa leaned closer, seeking out his lips. “Please,” she murmured.

Scott kissed her mouth, his lips soft against hers. It wasn’t lengthy but it was enough. It was enough to reassure her. She kissed his cheek as he pulled away, wrapping her arms around his neck again, her head against his shoulder. “I love you,” she murmured.

“I love you,” said Scott, gently caressing her back. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Can I text you? Before dinner?” asked Tessa, her eyes on his.

“Of course, kiddo. You can text me whenever,” said Scott, surprised.

“I kind of thought I wasn’t supposed to. I thought you wanted space,” said Tessa quietly.

Scott lightly kissed her forehead. “You’re my best friend. You can always text me.”

Tessa nodded, smiling. “Thank you.”

“Wait, did you actually think I didn’t want you to contact me?” he asked, looking upset. “Is that why I didn’t hear from you today?”

Tessa nodded. “I started writing and deleting so many texts. I just wanted to give you space and respect your wishes.”

“Oh, T. I didn’t mean you can’t contact me except for on FaceTime at dinner,” said Scott.

“That’s good to know,” smiled Tessa. “Can I text you later?” she added.

“How about I call you to say goodnight?” said Scott.

“That would be wonderful,” said Tessa, her eyes lighting up.

“Bye beautiful, I’ll talk to you soon,” he said, kissing her cheek.

“Bye, handsome,” said Tessa, stroking his hair.

Scott gave her a wink and a smile and then he was gone. Tessa hated the silence when he left. She hated how quiet the house was without his energy and laughter. He was her opposite in that regard, but she relished those moments. His boundless enthusiasm and energy would get her out of her shell and she loved his personality. It was infectious, you couldn’t help but smile. In turn her quiet nature would calm him. They just complemented each other in a wonderful and unique way.

Life with him was special. She hadn’t known what love like this was like. Not until Scott. Not until she’d experienced this intense love for him and felt what it was like to be loved by Scott. To truly be loved by him. It was like a drug, she needed his love. She needed to feel it. How she’d thought she could live without it, she didn’t know. She’d been lying to herself and lying to him. Now she was paying the price for it as he remained apart from her.

The evening with him had been much needed and it gave her some comfort as she got ready for bed when her phone rang. Scott. He sweetly said goodnight to her, wishing her sweet dreams and telling her he loved her. She wanted to keep him on the phone, to just hear him. But she did her best to act normal, and not like she wanted to cling to him and never let go. She told him she loved him too, hanging up with a quiet goodnight.

She lay down to sleep with the memory of his voice in her ears, that smooth, soothing tone that she could recognize anywhere, even in a crowded room. She felt slightly more at ease but she couldn’t stop thinking. She grabbed the other pillow, trying to scrunch it into something that would make it feel as though she was laying on Scott’s chest where she always slept. It didn’t work and she blew out a frustrated sigh. It was hard to get comfortable, she wanted to give up and go to Scott’s apartment. She knew that wasn’t what he wanted though.

 _Are you asleep?_ She sent the text, almost afraid he wouldn’t want to hear from her. She also knew he might be asleep so regardless, she may not get a response.

 _No. You can’t sleep?_ he replied just moments later.

 _No. I miss you. I wish I could see you. I wish you were here._ She sent it, knowing how pathetic she sounded. And she hated this. She wasn’t some damsel in distress. She just needed Scott.

 _Tessa…_ Came his reply and she knew what that meant. She knew she was making him feel bad for not being there but she also knew it couldn’t be different. He had every right to guard his heart from her after she’d broken it.

She was surprised to see a video call coming through and she answered, seeing Scott laying in bed, looking at her with some disbelief.

“Whatever you were doing in the beginning clearly isn’t working,” he murmured.

“I wasn’t sleeping then either,” she said quietly. “You sound like you hate me when you say it like that,” she added.

“I don’t hate you, T. I honestly can’t understand how you went from let’s break up to what you’re doing now,” he said.

“Being pathetic,” finished Tessa.

“No, T. No,” he said firmly.

“Being…I don’t know. In love, like you need me like I need you,” said Scott quietly.

“I do need you like you need me, I need you more. I love you,” said Tessa softly.

Scott smiled, saying nothing about her insisting she needed him more.

“Rest. Get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow and you’ll see me for our dinner date on FaceTime,” said Scott.

Tessa nodded, moving slightly so she could try to get comfortable for sleep, still holding the phone so she could see him.

“Those beautiful eyes need to rest,” he murmured.

“Scott,” she said softly.

“Yeah,” he said, his eyes studying her, taking in the way her hair fanned out behind her, though her eyes, so vibrant and sparkling with happiness usually, were sad. She looked so beautiful. He wanted to hug her close, needing to see her smile.

“Can you tell me you love me?” she asked quietly.

“Did you forget?” he asked.

“No. I just…I need to hear it,” said Tessa, looking at him nervously.

“I love you so much, Tess,” said Scott. He blew her a kiss and she smiled, pretending to catch it like she always did.

“I love you so so so much,” she said.

“I know. Try to sleep,” said Scott.

“Okay,” said Tessa, having relaxed a little just from seeing him, his voice soothing.

With another sweet goodnight, they hung up and Tessa closed her eyes, imagining she was with him.

The next day Scott sent her a voice message wishing her good morning and telling her he loved her. It allowed her to face the day with some sense of being okay but it was still hard knowing they were apart. They exchanged texts throughout the day, that communication a comfort to both of them.

Before their scheduled call to have dinner together, Tessa’s doorbell rang. She glanced at the door curiously, not expecting anyone. She took the phone with her, not wanting to miss Scott’s call. She’d counted down to this all day and she wasn’t going to miss his call. She was surprised to find a delivery man with takeout from the local Italian restaurant. Confirming the delivery was for her, she took the bag. It was already paid for, tip included. Tessa knew it was Scott before she looked at the order details on the receipt. There it was. For Scott, to be delivered to her.

She looked in the containers, he knew all her favourites. He’d ordered her a feast, she’d surely have leftovers. She chose the pasta, paired it with the garlic bread and sat at the table just as her phone rang. She answered it, eager to see Scott.

“Hi, Scott,” she breathed.

“Hi gorgeous,” he said, admiring her.

“You look stunning. I don’t know how I feel about that. You being all gorgeous over there and me not being there. You have a hot date you need to tell me about?” he teased lightly.

Tessa laughed, nodding. “This hot date. I got ready for you.”

Scott smiled. “You’re perfect all the time,” he said.

“Look at you, you look gorgeous. Is that the shirt I got you?” she asked, her keen eyes noting the dark navy shirt she’d decided would give her a wonderful view of his muscled chest as it was more form fitting than he would normally choose.

“It is.” Scott smiled, moving the camera so she could see. She bit her lip, grinning.

“You look so good,” she said. “I wish I could be there.”

“Me too,” said Scott.

“You put that shirt on for me, right?” she said, narrowing her eyes at him with a teasing smile.

“Of course for you,” said Scott with a laugh.

“Scott, thank you for dinner,” said Tessa softly. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you thinking of me.”

“If you have too many leftovers, I won’t order something for you tomorrow but if you don’t, I’ll get you something, whatever you want. That way I’ll know you’ve eaten something,” said Scott, waving off her praise.

“Scott, why?” asked Tessa, searching for answers in his eyes. She knew. Of course she knew, but she still wanted to hear it.

“Because I love you,” said Scott simply. “I’m concerned, Tess.”

“I love you. You’re so wonderful, Scott. I’ll try not to worry you so much. I’m being pathetic. I’m so sorry,” said Tessa.

“Don’t apologize. You’re not. You’re fine,” said Scott.

“I’m making it harder for you to get time away from me though. You wanted space and I’m being pathetic and not giving you that. I’ll try harder. I promise.” Tessa gazing at his face, seeing the way he’d bit his lip, frowning.

“You don’t need to...” began Scott.

“You respected my wishes, Scott,” she reminded him. “And I’m falling apart and not giving you that space and making you worry about me. I’m failing. I’m sorry.”

“No, Tess. It’s okay. I would always worry about you,” said Scott. “Please don’t worry. Can we just enjoy dinner together? Please,” he added.

Tessa nodded, dropping it for the moment. She knew he didn’t want her to feel that she was hurting him more but she felt that she was. She felt that if she was able to control her emotions more he wouldn’t need to get her food so he could be sure she was eating. She wouldn’t need to text asking him if he was asleep. She was hanging on too hard. She knew that. But she couldn’t do anything else. She could only try to be more restrained.

She didn’t bring it up again, allowing a relaxed atmosphere to descend on them for dinner. Scott was eating the same as her, he’d ordered himself a pasta and he’d ordered numerous dishes for Tessa. She would have leftovers for several nights. And so that week passed. With FaceTime date nights every evening for dinner together. Tessa continued to struggle. Scott was getting more hopeful by the day and trying to quash that hope lest he be disappointed. But it seemed he and Tessa were well on their way to being together. This time he hoped it would be forever.

Tessa sighed, hugging a jumper of Scott’s to her chest. She buried her nose in it, closing her eyes and trying to imagine he was there beside her. Another week without Scott. She wanted him beside her so much that it hurt. It hurt her chest, it hurt seemingly everywhere as she clung to that shirt.

Since the moment he left her house...their house...brokenhearted, it had been torture and she’d put both herself and Scott through that. And what had she achieved? Could she live without him? No. It had been clear immediately that it wasn’t something that could be put into a box, it didn’t fit like a building block into a space that was just the right shape. She couldn’t flick a switch to turn it on and off. He fit, they fit together. It was just them. It was everything she knew and she’d hoped some distance might show them that they could survive like this. But she couldn’t, there was a part of her that remained with him. And so it felt like she’d lost a phantom limb, her stability, her grounding. Her Scott. She needed him. Seeing him on FaceTime wasn't enough.

He wasn’t in that bed with her. He would have been there were it not for her weakness. She’d cared about everything else around them, the prying eyes and the questions when all that mattered was Scott and how she felt about him. How she felt when she was with him. Her body missed his every touch, his absence was something she could hardly describe. She was missing part of herself.

She missed the way he’d look at her, the way his eyes would smile, the way she could lose herself in the soft hue that changed from hazel to almost green depending on the light and turned dark as he looked at her with desire. She missed his laugh and the way he made her laugh. The way he’d scrunch his face with happiness, and beam at her like she was the sun. The way his lips moulded against hers, his body feeling just right beneath her fingertips. Her favourite moments were spent in his arms, she fit so neatly in his embrace and now the bed had been cold for far too long. She reached for him, searching in her sleep, always interrupted and restless. She couldn’t get used to his absence from her bed.

She screamed into the pillow, an anguished sound that tore through her throat. Tears rolled down her cheeks unchecked. And Scott. Sweet Scott. Who even in his pain had been so considerate and kind to her. He’d tried to let her go while he thought that was what she wanted. He’d been there, never hating her for what she’d done. He’d simply taken it in stride, sharing his pain with her but also respecting her decision. She couldn’t bear another moment without him beside her.

She fumbled around blindly for her phone. “Scott,” she gasped out as he answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before the week prior and this moment, he’d been resigned to his fate. Resigned to a life without her laughter drifting through the house, without the way she fit perfectly in the crook of his neck as she fell asleep, without the way her fingers would ghost across his cheeks and curl themselves around the hair at the nape of his neck, without the reassurance of her gentle breaths as she slept in his arms.


	5. Midnight talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa's call in the middle of the night makes Scott rush to her side.

Scott had been trying to sleep, feeling uneasy for some reason. He couldn’t pinpoint it. Tessa’s absence from his arms was always a cause for unease, it lacked comfort. However this was a different type of unease and it made him restless. He felt like something was wrong. His answer came as the phone rang, Tessa’s name on the display. She sounded so upset as she gasped out his name that he immediately sat up. “Tess, what is it?” he asked, concerned.

“Please come,” she said.

“Why?” asked Scott.

“Please. I’m begging you. Please,” she cried.

Scott wiped tears away, emotional as he heard her so upset. He put the phone on speaker as he rushed to change. He knew it didn’t matter what he was wearing but he needed to look nice for Tessa. He couldn’t bear to hear her so upset, her anguished sobs hurt his heart. “I’m coming,” he assured her.

He heard her strangled cry of relief in between the uncontrollable sobs.

“Tess, breathe. Come on sweetie, breathe,” he murmured as he ran a comb through his hair, keeping the connection with her open.

“I’m hanging up so I can come over, okay?” he said to her as he picked up the phone.

Tessa nodded and then realized he couldn’t see her so she tried to speak. “Okay. Thank you,” she said.

Scott wanted to ask her what was going on again but he held himself. He rushed out the door and instead of walking to her place, he quickly made the short drive. Getting out of the car, he slammed the door shut and rushed to her door.

Tessa was a blur as she rushed into his arms, her arms going around his waist, stroking his back, a desperation in the way she burrowed her face as close as possible into his shirt. He quickly wrapped his arms around her, baffled. A moment later he had to pick her up, it felt almost like she wasn’t holding herself up and had nestled into him, sobbing into his neck. So he picked her up and sat down with her on the couch.

“T,” he murmured, stroking her hair back from her face.

“I don’t deserve for you to be so nice to me,” sobbed Tessa.

“Kiddo, no. Don’t say that,” said Scott softly.

“I love you,” she breathed, her voice raw.

He swallowed hard, his voice coming out almost in a whisper. “I love you.”

“I need you. I love you so much. Please be with me.” She tried to wipe away tears that continued to fall.

Before the week prior and this moment, he’d been resigned to his fate. Resigned to a life without her laughter drifting through the house, without the way she fit perfectly in the crook of his neck as she fell asleep, without the way her fingers would ghost across his cheeks and curl themselves around the hair at the nape of his neck, without the reassurance of her gentle breaths as she slept in his arms.

Since she’d said she didn’t want them to be broken up, he’d allowed himself some hope. Some. Because part of him worried it would all go away and that’s why he’d given them time, he’d even added distance to the time by mostly not seeing her. They talked on the phone each day and had their FaceTime dinner dates and that made him happy and increasingly hopeful.

“You want me to be with you,” he repeated.

“Please be with me,” she breathed.

“I thought you knew, I’d always be with you,” said Scott stroking her back.

“But you’re not with me. I want you here, I want you here with me every day,” sobbed Tessa.

“Tess...how will I know you won’t change your mind? That you won’t go away again?” he asked.

Tessa sobbed harder, pushing herself even closer to him. “Please,” she cried.

Scott shook his head, hesitating. “I love you, all I want is to be with you. Losing you is the worst kind of pain ever. I can’t do that again,” he murmured.

“I’m here. I need you so much, I love you,” begged Tessa, moving to look at his face.

Scott didn’t know what to do. He wanted to be with her, of course he did. Their reunion had been going well, he’d loved having her close again. He needed her so badly it physically hurt to be away from her. But what if she ran away again? Tessa sensed his hesitation and got even more upset, thinking he’d say no, that he wouldn’t want her. She was barely taking normal breaths and he briefly touched her cheek.

“Please try to calm down, please,” he reminded her.

“I can’t. It’s too hard, Scott,” said Tessa miserably.

“Can you do it for me?” he asked gently. “Please.”

“It’s like I’ve lost everything. There’s a huge hole and it hurts so much,” cried Tessa.

She was wiping away tears unsuccessfully, she knew she probably looked pitiful begging for him to take her back but she didn’t care. This was Scott and she needed him. He was the only one she needed. She had screwed up but she couldn’t lose him. The thought of losing him forever had her crying even harder.

“What the fuck are we doing, Tess?” he said, defeated. “You being this upset? This isn’t okay. You should never be suffering because of me and I shouldn’t have suffered because of you either.”

“I’m so sorry,” said Tessa sadly.

“We had dinner together earlier, you seemed okay,” he muttered, hating that he hadn’t realized she’d reached a limit.

“I was because I was sort of with you. Then the call ends and I’m here. I’m here without you and even worse I’m in bed without you. I can never get used to sleeping without you,” said Tessa.

Scott shook his head, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “This ends now. I won’t let you feel like this. I won’t let you suffer like this,” he said.

“What do you mean, ends?” asked Tessa, terrified of what those words could mean.

“Whatever you choose. I love you and I’m here. If you want me,” said Scott quietly.

“I want you more than anything. I love you so much. I want to marry you,” said Tessa, her hands stroking his cheeks and sliding into his hair.

Scott stared at her in disbelief. “You want to what?” She couldn’t be serious. She just couldn’t be. And his heart sank that if she could say this, when she hadn’t wanted it before, then she could say she wanted him but not actually be sure.

He moved her off his lap, getting up suddenly. “Don’t say things you don’t mean,” he said, bristling. “You didn’t want to get married, T. Remember?”

Tessa held his gaze. “I didn’t want it _yet_ ,” she said. “I do now. Marry me,” she said.

“Tess, what?” asked Scott, thinking he must have certainly heard her wrong. There was no way. She hadn’t wanted it; how could she be asking him now?

“We’re going to counselling. Non-negotiable,” he said instead of responding to her.

“I already made an appointment for me. You’re welcome to come,” said Tessa. She stared at him as he nodded.

“Please stay. Please,” said Tessa.

“I’m here, always,” said Scott.

He opened his arms and she shot straight into them, holding on tightly. He picked her up, burying his nose in her neck, breathing her in. He wasn’t sure he’d ever hugged her so tightly. He held onto her for dear life. There was more to sort out and discuss but this part was over. Being away from her and worrying she wouldn’t be with him was over. He started to let go as he realized how tightly he was holding her, though she too was holding him tight. She was hugging him as tightly as she could and she didn’t want to let go.

“I’m hugging you so tight, I don’t want to hurt you,” he murmured, laughing at himself.

“Not hurting me,” said Tessa, snuggling into him. “Am I hurting you?” she asked suddenly, looking up at him.

“No,” said Scott, bopping her nose with a soft chuckle.

“I love you so…so…so...much,” she murmured, kissing him over and over.

Scott grinned, pulling her down onto the couch and kissing her deeply. She sighed with contentment, but he pulled away suddenly. She opened her eyes, looking alarmed. “Why?” she began.

“I didn’t ask you if it was okay,” he said.

“To kiss me?” asked Tessa, her eyebrows raised.

“No, to kiss you like that,” said Scott, feeling silly but still needing to ask her.

“You can kiss me like that, always,” said Tessa.

“Okay, good,” said Scott, smiling.

Tessa stared at him and he quickly got her hint. “Right, kissing, lots of it,” he said, chuckling.

Tessa smiled, one hand going into his hair as she lay back on the couch, lost in his kisses.

“You didn’t say you’d marry me,” she accused quietly as they came up for air.

“We can talk about that in counselling,” he said.

Tessa nodded. “You’re not saying no?” Scott shook his head.

“That’s all I ask,” said Tessa.

“You don’t have to you know. I’d be happy even if we don’t do that,” said Scott softly, stroking her hair as she snuggled into him.

“I wouldn’t be. I want it,” said Tessa.

“You didn’t want it before. I just don’t get it. Out of the blue now you want it,” said Scott.

“I want it because I love you and because being apart from you is the worst. I want to be your wife one day and have a family with you,” said Tessa.

“But you didn’t want that before, Tess,” he said again.

“I didn’t want it yet. I do want it. And after being through hell lately, I want it soon,” said Tessa.

Scott couldn’t believe what he was hearing. She sounded serious, it wasn’t just her emotion talking. He could tell she’d thought about it.

“We might need to unpack that in counselling before I can even consider that you’re sure about this,” he murmured.

“That’s okay, I intend to be your wife so I am good with that,” said Tessa, jutting out her chin stubbornly.

Scott kissed her, almost lightheaded with relief. She was here. She was here to stay and he hoped she always would be. “I love you,” he murmured.

“I love you,” said Tessa.

“We should get some sleep,” said Scott, as he noted the time.

Their middle of the night reunion aside, he knew they both needed sleep. Tessa nodded, getting up and taking his hand. She led him into the bedroom and got comfortable in bed, smiling as Scott got in beside her, holding her. She lay her head on his chest, sighing. He nuzzled her hair, pressing kisses against her hairline. She moved her head so he could reach her face and he grinned, covering her skin with kisses.

“Is sex a possibility?” she asked quietly.

Scott kissed her lips. “You’ve cried so much, T. You should sleep and rest,” he murmured.

“Okay. In the morning?” she asked, nodding tiredly.

“Of course,” he said, kissing the top of her head.

“I love you,” she murmured.

“I love you,” said Scott.

“You’re not leaving tonight or any night,” she mumbled sleepily.

“I’m not going anywhere, T. I’m here,” he assured her.

“Thank you,” she said.

“Thank you,” he murmured, kissing her lips.

“Mmm, that’s nice,” she said, deepening the kiss with a smile.

Scott murmured his agreement, having missed her. He’d missed these kisses. He loved sleepy Tessa. She always needed to give him sleepy kisses, soft and oh so incredible. He could never get enough of her lips on his. He’d spent quite some time that evening kissing her and he still hadn’t had enough.

“Goodnight,” he murmured as Tessa happily buried her nose in his shirt.

“Goodnight,” she said. She pulled at his t-shirt. “Do you need this?” she asked.

“Why?” he asked.

“So I can sleep on your chest,” said Tessa. “No shirt.”

Scott chuckled but did as she asked. She sighed happily as he pulled her close again, her cheek against his bare chest. She reached out to cover him well with the duvet.

“You’re not cold?” she asked.

“I’m nice and warm,” he murmured, holding her.

Tessa kissed his chest. “Good.”

“Go to sleep,” he said.

“You too,” she said. She closed her eyes, feeling tired but happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of the next chapter:  
> In the morning she was fast asleep on his chest when Scott woke, and he carefully moved her off so he could get up. She made a noise of disapproval, even asleep and he smiled, kissing her cheek. Then he realized if she woke up and he wasn’t there, she’d be confused and upset so he quickly scribbled a note and placed it on his pillow. 
> 
> Downstairs making breakfast. Love you!  
> Scott


	6. I love you, you idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Make up sex and I love you, you idiot sex? Their first couples therapy session dredges up something that upsets Tessa.

In the morning she was fast asleep on his chest when Scott woke, and he carefully moved her off so he could get up. She made a noise of disapproval, even asleep and he smiled, kissing her cheek. Then he realized if she woke up and he wasn’t there, she’d be confused and upset so he quickly scribbled a note and placed it on his pillow.

_Downstairs making breakfast._

_Love you!_

_Scott_

He couldn’t stop himself from kissing her cheek once more before heading downstairs. Just as he’d worried, when Tessa woke, reaching out and finding the bed empty, she opened her eyes hurriedly, wondering if she’d once again dreamed his presence. She saw the note on his pillow and breathed a sigh of relief. It hadn’t been just a dream. He was here and he was making breakfast. She smirked. He would need sustenance for the activities she had in mind. She quickly showered and put on some nice lingerie, throwing a shirt of Scott’s over the top, no pants. She headed downstairs, following the scent of breakfast. 

“Good morning,” said Scott as he saw her. He looked at what she was wearing, his mouth dropping open. “Uh. Wow. That shirt has never looked so good.”

Tessa winked at him with a smile. “Good morning. I love seeing a handsome man cooking breakfast.”

Scott smiled. “Any handsome man will do?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

“One particular handsome man named Scott,” said Tessa.

“Oh, my name is Scott, how convenient,” he teased.

Tessa giggled, going over to wrap her arms around him from behind as he flipped a golden pancake. He relished the feel of her embrace, his hands covering hers for a moment before he returned his attention to the pan.

“We all know what happens when you distract me in the kitchen,” he teased.

“Burnt pancakes?” asked Tessa, feigning shock. “I want delicious pancakes so I’ll behave.”

Scott grinned and expertly flipped the next pancake. Tessa giggled. “Now you’re just showing off.”

Scott winked at her and she set the table, grabbing a cup of coffee from the coffee maker, freshly made. “Good coffee,” she commented, taking a sip.

"I'm glad," said Scott.

Sitting down to eat, there was a comfortable silence as they both focused on the food and then Scott fixed her with a curious look after breakfast as she got up, stretching her arms up over her head, making the shirt lift up and reveal her lace underwear.

“Are you trying to seduce me?” he asked, trying to look scandalized.

Tessa smirked, shaking her head no but her eyes told a different story. Her eyes were eager, an alluring shade of green that pulled him in. There was a slight blush in her cheeks which made her all the more beautiful. There was an invisible line between her body and his, twisting as they moved but never ever breaking. It was a constant. They largely knew what the other was thinking most of the time, though sometimes they guessed wrong. Knowing each other so well, growing up together, there was a certain familiarity and intimate knowledge of the other. That knowledge sometimes meant they could assume what the other was thinking, though many times correct, sometimes they were incorrect. This was just one issue they needed to work through. Right now though, all they wanted was to reconnect after such a painful separation.

Scott reached for her and she sat down on his lap with a grin. He caressed her cheek, fingers trailing down to her collar bone. “I’ve missed you,” he murmured, his lips leaving a trail of heat in their wake as he kissed a trail from the apple of her cheek to her throat and to the round collar of the shirt she was wearing. Tessa felt herself getting wet and hungrily found her way to his throat, kissing and sucking the sensitive skin there.

Scott got up carrying her, going over to the couch where he put her down and eagerly removed her t-shirt. His eyes darkened as he took in the lingerie she wore. “Tess,” he mumbled, desire in his eyes.

“Kiss me,” she mumbled, pulling his face down to hers, impatient.

Scott laughed against her lips. “Impatient are we?” he teased.

“Yes,” huffed Tessa.

Scott reached between her legs, stroking her through the material, feeling the wetness. “I can see that,” he murmured.

He kissed her with longing, one hand moving to stroke her. He pulled aside her underwear and pumped a finger into her and then added a second, making her moan against his mouth. She bucked her hips against his hand, his thumb finding her clit and she nearly bit his lip. She pulled away for a moment, her eyes closed, her breathing increased as he continued. He loved watching the pleasure on her face and he kissed her mouth again, Tessa tugging lightly on his hair. He continued until she came strongly against his hand, moaning loudly as she pulled away from their heated kisses. Scott smiled, licking his soaking fingers. She watched him, even more turned on.

“So good,” murmured Tessa, biting her lip.

Scott moved her bra, eager to attach his lips around a beautiful pink nipple. “Do you get all the fun?” she murmured while she sighed her pleasure.

“You’re not having fun?” he asked, eyebrows raised. “Could have fooled me.”

Tessa giggled. “Not how I meant it. I just meant I’m hungry and I need to eat too.” She winked.

He laughed, though he lay back, clearly willing to let her do anything she wanted. Which she did as she pulled his pants off and eagerly took him into her mouth. Between her hot mouth around his cock and her hand stroking him, he felt like he was losing his mind. His hand stroked her hair, watching her in fascination. It was hard to think of anything but what she was doing to him and god it felt so good. He was vaguely aware that he should stop her as she ran her teeth over his balls, kissing and sucking greedily. He needed to be inside her, to feel the heat of her. “Tess,” he murmured.

She looked up, lips swollen, her eyes dark with desire. She understood immediately without him needing to speak. She moved, climbing on top of him, connecting their bodies with a content moan. There wasn’t much opportunity to rest, once they started there was no stopping them. Tessa wondered vaguely if they should take a break as she gasped for breath while Scott ate her out on the kitchen bench where they’d wandered for sustenance after round three. They’d promptly gotten distracted again and Scott’s meal had ended up being her. She had zero objections as she stroked and tugged on his hair, moaning.

Laying side by side on the bed afterwards, having made their way back upstairs, Tessa giggled, covering her eyes for a moment. “Do we have any self control?” she teased.

“No,” said Scott, grinning at her.

“You are not putting clothes back on mister, I need a rest, but later I plan to have my way with you…again,” she said.

Scott pretended to think about it, hand on his chin, looking at her thoughtfully. “I’m good with that,” he said, breaking into a smile.

She turned serious for a moment, caressing his cheek. “You know how much I love you?” she checked.

“I do. Do you know?” he asked.

Tessa nodded. “I know.”

“Good,” said Scott, nuzzling her neck and wrapping his body around hers, closing his eyes.

She and Scott sat side by side on the couch, the therapist, sitting opposite them. Tessa twisted her fingers in her lap nervously and Scott reached out to squeeze her hand for a moment, giving her a reassuring smile. Tessa had had an appointment alone the day prior and now she was here again with Scott. It had been confronting to admit to herself her fears. It wasn’t Scott, it was her own fears that held her back from fully accepting everything he wanted to offer her.

Scott had also expressed an interest in doing his own counselling. She thought it was a good idea for each of them to be able to discuss anything they needed privately. He’d made an appointment and she vowed to try not to ask him about it, just as he had remained silent, not asking her specifics about her appointment the day prior. He’d only asked if she was okay after the appointment and she’d nodded, cuddling in his arms, needing that connection.

“So, why are you here?” began the therapist, Melissa.

“Because we seem to have a few things to work through and this relationship is so important to the both of us,” said Tessa quietly.

Scott nodded his agreement. “We have just been through a rough patch and we decided we needed to see someone, together and separately,” he said.

“Tell me about this rough patch. What happened?” asked Melissa.

Scott looked down at his hands, biting his lip. Tessa sighed, knowing this part was hers to discuss.

“I…I broke up with Scott,” she murmured, her voice breaking.

“There’s emotion there when you say it,” said Melissa.

“Yes. I never wanted to hurt him,” she said softly. “I broke him and I broke myself too.”

“Now we talked a little about why you think you did that in your session, but I want to hear from Scott. Why do you think Tessa did that?” asked Melissa, turning her eyes to Scott and waiting.

Scott hesitated slightly, he hated being put on the spot. “Uh, part of me…and we can talk about this more in my session, kind of feels like Tessa is up here,” he said, indicating a position above his head with his hand. “And I’m down here,” he said, indicating to a lower position. “And part of me thinks one day she’ll leave…for someone…better.” He didn’t dare look at Tessa, a blush rising up his cheeks as he admitted his lack of confidence to the therapist and to Tessa.

Tessa stared at him. “I can’t believe you think that.”

“That, among other things,” mumbled Scott.

Melissa seemed to worry they might argue about it from her quick look of unease but Tessa merely let out a sigh, glaring at him. “Can I just say he’s 100% wrong?” she said, looking back at the therapist.

“Sure,” said Melissa, making a note in her pad.

Melissa explored the issue with Scott briefly while Tessa huffed beside him. “Who could be better? Tell me who?” she interrupted angrily.

“Tessa, I can see it bothers you to hear this and we will talk about it in a few minutes,” said Melissa gently.

“Someone from a richer family, someone academically minded like you, someone…I don’t know, more handsome, just…better,” said Scott quietly.

Tessa shook her head, getting up suddenly and pacing. She wanted to scream. What she ended up doing however was bursting into tears. Scott looked alarmed and Melissa soothingly asked her to sit down again, offering her a box of tissues. She took them, batting Scott’s hand away as he tried to comfort her.

“You seem angry and upset. What are you feeling?” asked Melissa, focusing on Tessa.

“What the fuck have I been doing wrong? I love him,” she pointed at Scott, not even saying his name in that moment, “more than anything in the world. I thought he knew that. I thought he knows he’s the most perfect person for me. I can’t imagine my life without Scott. He’s amazing, he’s the most wonderful man you can ever know, and he thinks…this?” Her voice broke on the last word, devastated.

“List some of those wonderful qualities about him,” said Melissa gently.

“How long do you have?” asked Tessa honestly. “I can go on and on about how wonderful Scott is.”

“As long as you like…within reason,” said Melissa, touched at the way Tessa was so keen to talk about Scott.

“He’s my best friend, I love him more than I even thought it was possible to love. He’s kind and thoughtful and so romantic. Being loved by Scott is just…wow. He has the most generous heart, he always thinks of others before himself, he’s funny and makes me laugh every day. I love every moment with him. He makes me feel…” Tessa stopped, searching for the right word. “Loved. I always know he loves me. He takes care of me, we take care of each other.”

Scott was chewing on his bottom lip. He knew her feelings, of course he did. It wasn’t as though he didn’t know how she felt. He still worried. And that wasn’t on her. It was on him.

“You clearly adore Scott and it hurts you that he doesn’t see himself the way you see him,” said Melissa.

“It does hurt. I feel responsible if he has doubts,” said Tessa. “I mean I know I screwed up, I know that, but these aren’t doubts just due to that, are they?” She addressed her question to Scott and he slowly shook his head. Tessa sighed, crossing her arms.

“Thank you for your honesty, Scott. We’ll continue to talk about that in our private sessions,” said Melissa. He nodded. Melissa looked down at her notes, moving through the topics she wanted to ask about.

“And your intimate life, any issues there?” she asked.

Tessa nearly laughed and Melissa noticed the way her cheeks turned pink. However it was Scott who spoke first. “For me, no. Perfectly happy,” he said.

“No here too. I have no complaints in that department,” said Tessa.

“Have you been intimate recently? During this break up you experienced?” asked Melissa.

Tessa nearly glared at her, but knew these were things that needed to be asked in couples therapy. They were here for a reason and they needed to engage in the sessions fully.

“Not while we were apart. Yes since we made up. A lot actually,” said Tessa blushing.

“Can’t keep your hands off each other?” teased Melissa, seeing them both looking embarrassed by the question.

Tessa smiled. “Can you blame me?” she asked. Scott turned several shades of red and Melissa laughed. “As long as it’s not just angry sex, looks like both of you are very happy in that area,” she said.

“It’s not angry sex at all,” said Tessa, shaking her head.

“Agree,” said Scott.

“Though it might be tonight,” muttered Tessa.

Scott turned red again and Melissa tried not to laugh as she swiftly moved onto her next question.

“I’m so angry with you,” muttered Tessa as they got into the car.

“Did you want me to lie?” asked Scott quietly.

“I don’t want you to lie. I just don’t understand how you can think that. How?” Tessa looked at him, almost wishing it was all a bad dream. She knew the counselling would dredge up issues neither of them had probably thought of. She knew it was going to happen and yet it still hurt to think that Scott almost expected her to leave. She’d obviously made it worse by doing just that, despite how much of a mistake it was.

Scott said nothing and she sighed. “What am I? Some socialite who is only looking for some pretty boy with lots of money? What the fuck, Scott?”

“That’s not what I said,” said Scott shortly.

“No, it isn’t. You’re right. That’s my own embellishment,” said Tessa angrily.

She wiped tears away, sad and angry at once. “I love you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. If you can’t see that, then I need to help you see that. I want you to know how amazing you are. I want you to feel that confidence and know that you are the most amazing man. And on top of all that, you’re gorgeous and charming and everyone falls in love with you when they meet you. I just want to be the one you love forever.” She kissed his cheek softly.

“That’s really sweet of you, Tess,” said Scott.

Tessa pushed him against the wall as they got home, deftly undoing the buttons on his shirt. She pushed it open, starting to cover his chest with kisses. He wasn’t sure he could react, utterly bewildered. She was mad at him, wasn’t she?

“Is this like angry sex or something?” he asked, finding his voice.

“This is, I love you, you idiot, sex,” said Tessa, looking up at him as she kissed her way down his body.

“I thought you were mad at me,” he murmured.

“I’m more sad than mad,” said Tessa, undoing his belt.

He wanted to take her hands and stop her, unsure why she was so adamant on undressing him. She kissed trails across his chest, struggling with her emotions and couldn’t hold it in, bursting into tears and sinking down onto the floor.

“Tess,” he said, devastated. He knelt down next to her as she cried.

“Is it because of me? Did I make you doubt yourself?” she asked, looking up at him.

“No, not because of you, sweetie,” he said softly, kissing her forehead.

She wiped tears away, reaching out to stroke his cheek. “I love you.”

“I know, T, I know you do,” he said reassuringly. “I love you.”

“You have to know how special you are, you have to, Scott,” she said softly.

“I know that I’m very lucky to have your love, to know that you’re here and you support me,” said Scott.

“You’re so special, Scott. I want you to be able to say it. I, Scott Moir, am the most wonderful man who deserves all the best in the world and any woman would be so lucky to have me by her side,” said Tessa. She sniffled. “Except I want you all to myself so, I’m the lucky one.”

“I’m the lucky one too,” said Scott, stroking her cheek.

“Say it,” said Tessa.

He chuckled, shaking his head. “I am totally wonderful and such a catch.” He winked, trying to make her laugh. “So many women to woo, so little time, eh? Except I choose just one. I choose you.”

Tessa rolled her eyes, wiping away tears. “The embellishments aside, that’s all true. Forget about all the other women though. They missed out on you. I get to keep you all to myself.”

“You’re the one who wants me to be cocky,” said Scott laughing.

“Not quite, but just confident, knowing how wonderful you are. Knowing I have no reason to leave…despite what I did,” said Tessa.

“I have no reason to leave either. I love you so much,” said Scott.

“I know, I’m so lucky,” said Tessa.

He rubbed her back, kissing her temple and she leaned into him, the two of them sitting on the floor in the hallway leaning up against the wall.

“There’s still I love you, you idiot, sex,” said Tessa quietly.

Scott smiled. “Can it be further inside, maybe get to the living room at least?”

“Maybe,” said Tessa, stroking her hand down his bare chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next: Adventures in therapy, and in loving each other.


	7. Needing You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott's private session leads to another talk between Tessa and Scott.

Melissa scribbled away on her notepad, Scott had fallen silent as he watched her. He wondered what the therapist’s actual thoughts were. Did she think they had screwed up their relationship beyond repair?

“That’s quite a history the two of you have,” commented Melissa.

Scott nodded, twisting his hands in his lap. “She’s my life.”

“See that is part of the problem,” began Melissa.

Scott frowned, waiting for her to continue.

“All you know is this. The partnership, the friendship, the relationship. You’ve both had other relationships of course but it’s this one that is affected by all the other aspects. You both speak about a bubble and that bubble helped you become champions, but it also insulates you. You’ve always been a unit, you didn’t always see eye to eye but on the essentials, you certainly did. And then what everyone was telling you since you were teens happened, you fell in love. Your identities are shaped by the other and while you share a lot of love, there seem to be issues you just don’t talk about. Not to hurt each other, not to rock the boat. Whichever way you say it. There’s some dependence on each other that is magnified by the history you share,” said Melissa.

Scott nodded. “I get that. I know that we kind of have that unique situation. It’s our strength but it’s also a weakness I guess.”

“What is your identity…outside of Tessa, outside of your brand? Who is Scott? Just Scott,” said Melissa.

“My family is important to me. Being a part of my community is important too. I love to skate and I love to coach,” said Scott, shrugging.

“And when you imagine your future?” asked Melissa. “Who is there? What are you doing?”

“Tessa is there. She’s…I want her to be….my wife….one day,” mumbled Scott, turning red.

“Okay. What are you both doing?” asked Melissa.

“I’m coaching. Tessa is…brilliant. She’s taking over the world,” said Scott.

“With you by her side?” asked Melissa.

“I’m there for whatever she needs,” said Scott quietly.

Melissa knew she’d struck a nerve and this is where she wanted to bring him. To reflect on his thoughts and delve further into what he’d admitted during their joint session,

“You imagine yourself by her side as she takes over the world, as you put it?” asked Melissa.

Scott hesitated. He could picture Tessa at some amazing event, being honoured and applauded. He didn’t picture himself by her side, he was admiring her from afar.

“She doesn’t need me,” he said softly.

“I’d say judging by the way she speaks about you that she does need you,” said Melissa.

“I’m lucky,” said Scott, nodding. “Being loved by Tessa is amazing.”

“Why do you say she doesn’t need you?” asked Melissa.

“Because she’s so intelligent and talented, I can’t help her with business stuff,” said Scott. “I’m not academically minded like she is.”

“Your brand is a business and has been a business for a very long time. That is an area you have experience in,” said Melissa.

Scott thought about it. It made sense. They were co-owners of their own business and had been since they were barely out of their teens.

“I guess so. Yeah, there are things I know,” said Scott, chewing on his bottom lip. “I guess even knowing that I feel like a goofy skater next to her and she’s just…she’s brilliant.”

“You have an uncanny ability not to see what Tessa sees. She sees you as brilliant. You both cannot see what the other sees. To Tessa you’re an amazing athlete, one she admires, loves, and is inspired by. And for you, you think she doesn’t need you,” said Melissa, shaking her head.

“Isn’t what Tessa says meant to be private?” muttered Scott uncomfortably.

“Yes. I’m only talking about the things she has mentioned to me that she said are okay to share with you,” said Melissa.

Scott nodded. “You can share with her too. I mean, we’re here to solve our issues, not hide them from each other.”

“That’s almost word for word what Tessa said,” laughed Melissa.

Scott managed a smile. “I want to be able to see myself by her side. I want to not doubt the role I play in her life.”

“Long-term now. Your role in Tessa’s life,” said Melissa.

“I’m anything she wants me to be. Her husband or her partner. I’ll support her and love her always,” said Scott.

“No. I want an answer about what YOU want,” said Melissa.

“I want...” Scott sighed. “I want to be her husband, maybe even the father to her kids. Still be her best friend and do everything I can to make her happy.”

“Does she know that?” asked Melissa.

“I’d hope so. She knows I love her,” said Scott. “She didn’t want to marry me…” he continued.

“Why do you say that?” asked Melissa.

“We talked about it. She didn’t want to. And that’s fine, as long as I am in her life,” said Scott.

“Okay, this is also a topic Tessa wanted me to share with you,” said Melissa, looking down at her notes. “She said it was not yet, not that it was not all.”

“Yeah, I know. That doesn’t mean she wants it though. That can be ‘not yet’ for years to come,” said Scott.

“Didn’t she say the other day in the joint session that she does want to marry you?” asked Melissa.

“Yes,” said Scott, shaking his head. “But she didn’t want it before. So wanting it now is…” He trailed off, gesturing vaguely. “I don’t know what it is.”

“A result of the separation perhaps. Of realizing what being apart truly meant. You hated being apart, you both didn’t cope. I’d say she probably saw a Scott shaped hole in her life that she didn’t like,” said Melissa.

“Maybe. I don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t truly want. That includes being with me. That’s why I tried to let her go. She asked me to and I tried…but I couldn’t…that Tessa shaped hole for me was too much,” said Scott quietly.

“She asked you to but without meaning the words. What you both described the other day wasn’t really reflective of a separation. Couples that truly break up, want nothing more, and they don’t support each other through a break-up in my experience,” said Melissa.

Scott laughed. “I guess because we’re best friends, it was a bit different.”

“I’m going to delve further into that with you in your joint session,” said Melissa, glancing at the time.

“Yeah, okay. Thanks,” said Scott, thankful his 45-minute slot was over.

It was uncomfortable to talk about issues that he spent most of the time burying but he knew that for him and Tessa to get benefit from the counseling that they needed to open up and go all in.

It was a relief to go home, to Tessa’s arms around him and her smile. She seemed determined not to ask but provided the comfort he needed. She didn’t need to ask to know that he would need her support. He relaxed in her embrace, breathing her in. “I love you.”

“I love you,” she said, kissing his lips. 

“People can see,” mumbled Scott as Tessa slipped her hand through his as they walked around the park. They stayed on the path, admiring the colourful blooms, and feeling the breeze on their faces.

“I don’t care,” said Tessa.

“You will if photos are taken,” said Scott, removing his hand from hers.

Tessa almost felt as though he was dousing her in cold water. She felt like she was trying and he had shut down. Scott saw the way her face fell and immediately regretted it. She bit her lip. “You don’t know how I’ll feel,” she muttered.

“No. I guess not,” said Scott. “But we haven’t talked about going public.”

“Well, we should,” said Tessa quietly.

“I thought you didn’t want that,” said Scott, studying her face.

Tessa sighed. “I wish I could shout it from the rooftops. I really do.”

Scott chuckled. “Me too.”

Tessa spotted a bench and pointed towards it. “Let’s sit down.” Scott followed her and sat down beside her. She pulled her legs up, sitting cross-legged, and turned to face him.

“This,” she said, reaching out to tap his leg. “Us. It’s equal. There is no you’re down here and I’m up here. Never. We’ve always had an equal partnership and an equal relationship. I’d like to think it will always be that way. I love you.”

Scott sighed, reaching out to squeeze her hand. “I feel like you’re a princess, Tessa, and I’m just someone lucky enough to have your love. For now…because some prince could show up and sweep you off your feet.”

Tessa shook her head, letting out a sigh of frustration. “What prince, Scott? I don’t want him. I don’t want this imaginary prince that you think I’m supposed to be with. I want you. I want Prince Scott.”

Scott smiled softly, leaning down to kiss her hand. “It’s my honour.”

“Why have you changed your mind on the going public thing, T? I thought you were 100 percent on that?” Scott frowned, his eyes on hers. He looked surprised, almost in disbelief as she changed everything he knew. She supposed she was. Through being separated from him, she’d discovered one very important thing. She wanted to be beside him. She wanted him more than privacy. And that’s why as she’d reached for his hand earlier, she was taking a leap. They were in a London park, they might be seen, sure. But they were also locals who were rather used to seeing her and Scott too, to an extent.

“It hurt you know,” she mumbled.

“I never meant to hurt you,” said Scott, searching her eyes. “You can take this, whenever. I’m giving it to you,” he added, his hand on her knee. She intertwined their fingers, lifting his hand to kiss it.

“Thank you,” she said.

“Being apart,” she began. “I hated it. It sucked. And being with you is more important. It’s more important than privacy. We can still keep our privacy to an extent even when people know. And you know what? You were right. It’s killing us. It’s killing something beautiful and special. And for what? I don’t give a fuck about protecting privacy if you’re not there. I want you more than privacy. I want you the most.”

“I want you more than anything, Tessa,” said Scott. He blinked back tears for a moment. She wanted him just as he did. He wanted her more than privacy. He wanted her more than anything. He was overwhelmed with the desire to kiss her. To pull her close right now and to hell with anyone watching.

“Good. We’re absolutely on the same page about that,” said Tessa.

“I want to kiss you so much,” murmured Scott, squeezing her hand.

“Do it,” said Tessa. She was smiling, at ease, any worries out of mind. This was enough for now. An agreement on something huge that had plagued them both that seemed so insignificant when compared with his absence from her life. In a way that time apart had made some things abundantly clear, despite the hurt for them both.

“What if it ends up on Twitter in minutes?” asked Scott.

“Let it,” said Tessa, jutting her chin out with determination.

Scott leaned over to kiss her cheek, drawing a pout from Tessa. “I was hoping for more.”

“Let’s not give them everything all at once,” he said with a smile. “I’m sorry, I’ll give you as many kisses as you want at home.”

Tessa didn’t allow him to pull away as she deliberately placed her hand on his cheek, kissing him. He was shocked for just a moment, seeing Tessa was serious. It wasn’t some official event, it was just them in a park at home in London. It was almost fitting that their first public display of affection would be here. When romance had bloomed, they’d met at this park numerous times to ‘jog’ together. They just wanted to see each other and used the excuse of exercising together. After a morning jog, they’d grab a coffee or make plans to have lunch together, in an attempt to spend more time together. Then they moved to Montreal where everything had come to a head. It was no longer an infatuation. It was love, pure, and simple. Though their situation meant it was far from simple.

Right now it seemed simple. Boy loves girl, girl loves boy and they were doing everything to be together. It was simple as Tessa pressed her lips against his, simple as he pulled her in again and simple as he grinned at her, his forehead against hers.

“I love you,” said Tessa, a relaxed smile on her face.

“I love you,” said Scott, winking and once again putting appropriate space between them.

“What you said, that we’re equal, I want that. I want to be by your side supporting you while you take over the world. I just…I don’t know how to keep up,” said Scott.

“Keep up with what?” asked Tessa.

“You’ll do an MBA and be amazing and achieve so much,” said Scott. “I’m just a goofy skater next to you.”

“No, Scott, no.” Tessa shook her head. “You’re amazing. You’ll be the most amazing coach and all ice dance teams from around the world will want to be coached by you. I am going to be watching so proudly. And I hope to sometimes be able to help you too. Whether that’s through mentoring or consulting.”

“That would be incredible. I’d love that,” said Scott.

“I feel like you think the minute I start that MBA that I won’t need you or something. But I will. I’m so nervous, I need you by my side. I hope I won’t annoy you being all frazzled by assessments. I know you’ll be there supporting me and that means everything,” said Tessa.

“I’ll keep you in a steady supply of coffee and chocolate,” said Scott. “And cook delicious meals for you. I’m your biggest fan, I always will be.”

“That would be appreciated. I’m your biggest fan too,” said Tessa, touched.


	8. Couples Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... it was that photo that ended up on social media. That moment. Of Tessa with her arms around him, gazing at him with love.

Their next session brought up some hard questions although unlike the volatility of the first few sessions they found this time they worked through those issues without tears or anger. Melissa watched them in fascination as they discussed the issue that had arisen, that they often knew what each other was thinking but sometimes were completely wrong. They’d make up an entire narrative in their heads about why the other might be angry with them when it was far from the truth and it was just a matter of starting those hard conversations. Instead of getting heated, Tessa and Scott had focused on the issue, almost talking it out without Melissa’s input. She scribbled down notes as she listened to them.

“And when that happens, I’ll stop and say, this is how this makes me feel, what are your thoughts?” Tessa was saying.

Scott nodded. “And I won’t try to assume I know what you think before asking you.”

“I mean a lot of the times you do know, it’s just the times we don’t that we need to get right,” said Tessa with a smile.

Scott smiled back. “Me too. You know me better than I know myself sometimes.”

“And I’m glad to. I think we made a great plan for communicating about hard issues,” said Tessa.

Scott nodded. They both belatedly remembered Melissa, looking at her. “Well, you didn’t really need me, did you?” she said, with a smile.

“Oh. Sorry, we got kind of carried away,” said Tessa.

“No, it’s good. The issue came up and you both tackled it. Together,” said Melissa.

A smile spread across Scott’s face. “We did,” he agreed.

Tessa smiled back, her hand squeezing his knee.

“So that was a productive session for you, in the next session I want to come back to any niggling worries and how you will deal with those moving forward,” said Melissa.

Tessa and Scott nodded and got up to leave, relieved that for once there was no anger or even stewing about anything in the session. They’d talked about it, made a plan, and come away feeling good about it.

“Want to grab some lunch?” asked Scott as they returned to the car.

Tessa nodded. “We could go out … sit at a café or restaurant,” she began, watching him carefully for a reaction.

“There’s a niggling worry for next week. What the heck you’re thinking when you used to avoid anything public,” said Scott softly.

“Okay, well, we can implement our plan for solutions. My feelings are that yes, I am seeing these things differently. I don’t care who sees us, I just care about being with you,” said Tessa.

“And my feelings are that something will happen, it will be reported on, there will be something public and you’ll have regrets,” said Scott.

“You’re assuming I would have regrets,” said Tessa pointedly.

Scott nodded. “Okay, yes, I see that this is something I assume. But I assume it based on past experience.”

“I can assure you, I could see a photo of us or some stupid article right now and I wouldn’t have regrets. I’m proud to be the one you love.”

Tessa waited for him to argue with her again but he didn’t. He looked at her thoughtfully, as if looking for the truth of her words in her face. Whatever he saw satisfied him because he nodded. “Okay, I accept that you know what you want, how much you’re comfortable with.”

It was all she could ask for. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” said Scott with a smile. “Wait, did we just solve another problem?”

“That depends on whether you’re still secretly worrying that I am wanting things that you thought I didn’t want before,” said Tessa.

“Jury’s still out on the marriage issue you brought up but otherwise, I’m satisfied you know what you want and who you want.” He looked apologetic and she smiled.

“I understand. I get that you think that is something I changed my mind on in a major way. I really haven’t. I didn’t say never, I was saying not yet. Not yet is not never and right now I am not saying not yet, I’m saying we should seriously consider it,” said Tessa.

“I know you didn’t say never, it felt like you did, that’s on me, because of all the fears we’ve talked about in therapy and I’m glad that we have talked about these things and tried to make a plan of dealing with hard issues and the way we each narrate something in our heads that isn’t always accurate,” said Scott.

Tessa sighed, emotion in her eyes. “We can solve anything by talking about it. Absolutely anything. I’m glad to be having this conversation with you right now. I’m so glad that we have been dealing with these issues and I love you so much. I can’t wait to marry you and spend a lifetime being happy with you.”

Scott grinned, kissing her. “I love you so much. Me too,” he murmured against her lips.

“In a public parking lot, Scott? Whatever will everyone say?” she teased, kissing his lips once more.

“I can kiss you somewhere else more romantic than a parking lot,” murmured Scott.

“Take me to lunch please and then home. I have an appetite for dessert and I can’t get that anywhere but at home with you,” she said.

Scott raised an eyebrow, chuckling. “Well played. Now I will have my mind on dessert until we get home.”

Tessa winked and put on her seatbelt. “I need a delicious lunch first.”

“Anything your heart desires,” said Scott, grinning as he turned on the car and headed to a nice restaurant for lunch.

It was a different experience. There was no pretending this was a business lunch, Tessa was comfortable and happily held his hand, laughing with him, not caring in the slightest who recognized them. Seeing her so relaxed helped Scott relax too. She even didn’t put up her usual fight when he tried to pay for both of them, allowing him to do that knowing he enjoyed feeling like he was spoiling her a bit.

She wrapped both arms around him, looking up at him with a smile as they left the restaurant. While they went home without a care in the world, focused on the dessert Tessa had strongly suggested before lunch, it was that photo that ended up on social media. That moment. Of Tessa with her arms around him, gazing at him with love. And just as she’d said, she didn’t care. Scott growled his displeasure that whoever saw them hadn’t had the decency not to take a photo, or not to post it at least. Tessa didn’t care. If they wanted to it could still be explained away as platonic best friends. She didn’t though. Neither did Scott. They did not comment on the attention it received. They went to their next session prepared to talk about it, however.

“There has been quite a significant change since last week’s session. We talked before about your sense of privacy and wanting to keep things between yourselves. Since then you very willingly stepped out together knowing this could happen. It happened sooner than you anticipated maybe,” summarised Melissa.

Tessa nodded. “Sooner than we thought but we were prepared and had talked about it before taking those public steps.”

“I find it irritating that people can’t just keep it to themselves if they do see us, but it is what it is,” said Scott honestly.

“In an ideal world, you would be just another couple out in the world. You have a certain fame however and that is not likely to go away any time soon,” said Melissa.

“Ideally, I’d love to not even think about it. Go out with T, be a couple like any other and not have this happen afterward,” said Scott.

“We can. We can go out and not care and then not pay any attention to what may come afterward,” said Tessa.

“You were the one who wanted our privacy the most, T,” said Scott, glancing at her.

“I know. But I made the conscious decision that that part isn’t important. Being with you is important. Having our peace is important. I know that photo is out there right now and honestly, I am not thinking about it much. Far less than I thought I would. If it happens again, it can. One of these days it will be us willingly attending an event together as a couple,” said Tessa.

Scott nodded, a slight blush in his cheeks. “I want that. I want to have you beside me. To share something together without pretending that we’re just business partners who also happen to be friends. I want to just be us. Not VirtueMoir. Just us.”

“Scott, what about what Tessa said about how she feels about the privacy issue,” prompted Melissa.

Scott looked at Tessa thoughtfully. “I was a bit surprised she didn’t get upset or worry about that photo turning up. She saw it, accepted it and I was the one who was a bit angry that our privacy wasn’t respected. I’m happy. I’m happy we’ve come to a place where this happened and it didn’t cause stress in our relationship. It happened last week and it’s not something that has really affected us. We’ve been focused on each other. On communicating our feelings more and more.”

“Before, when you thought about something like this was it a point of contention?” asked Melissa.

“Yes,” said Tessa, before Scott could speak. “We didn’t quite see eye to eye on it, it caused issues.”

Scott nodded his agreement.

“Small issues, large issues?” queried Melissa.

Tessa took a moment to think about it. “Large issues, I’d say?” She looked at Scott for his input.

“Large issues,” he said.

“And now it caused barely a ripple?” asked Melissa.

Tessa nodded and Scott looked at Tessa for a moment. She was at ease, it was true. She hadn’t reacted as he’d thought she would. She was fine with it. Finer than he was even. “To be honest, I’m still surprised by how calm T is with it. A tiny part of me still thinks maybe it will be a delayed reaction but mainly I know that she is fine with it, that she wanted this, that she’s relieved even.”

He’d cringed initially admitting there was a tiny part of doubt and Tessa hadn’t reacted to this, she’d nodded her head in understanding. He wondered whether she too had a niggling worry he’d somehow react in a bad way still.

“I get that, Scott. I mean, this is a change for both of us. Quite a big one in some way I guess. I am not waiting for you to get spooked. I don’t think you’ll have a delayed reaction, though I do think you will find it a bit frustrating that our privacy may not be the same for a while. Until we’re old news.”

“Can we be old news tomorrow?” he teased.

Tessa giggled, squeezing his hand. “Maybe we want to ride it out a bit longer.”

He nodded, laughing quietly. Melissa was ready to throw her hands up in the air. They didn’t need her. Not really. She facilitated discussion and probed them where needed but overall they were doing this on their own. In just a few sessions they’d gone from tears and frustration to talking calmly about issues, admitting doubts to each other, and barely needing her input to solve them.

Closing the session, she gave them some homework to do. Honest conversations to have whenever something came up. Perhaps if they saw the photo on social media again or read yet another article, to openly discuss if they felt something. Positive or negative. Both agreed to this readily and she wondered briefly if, by the end of these sessions, she might need a therapist too. She chuckled to herself, counselling these Olympic champions was an interesting experience, to say the least.


End file.
